Kids in separation and divorce

I was watching Grey’s Anatomy yesterday and I felt myself totally agreeing with Miranda and the separation speech that she gave her dad. (For those of you that don’t know the show, well, she is separated and she talks about how she didn’t want her son growing up and having basically a bad marriage as an example of what love is. And I totally agree.)

I was a child of divorce so I know first hand what it’s like. I’ve also lived without one of my parents for about 20 years, so I know what that’s like. But the worst part for me, the part that left the most scars, the part that affected me the most, was the part where they were living in a bad marriage. I don’t think that people realize that bad marriages sometimes scar kids so much more than divorce, and it’s not so much even the act of divorce, but the ugliness that it often brings out in people.

During the first days of the separation, it was of extreme importance to us that the kids were affected the least amount possible. I talked to them constantly about the situation, and what I realized is that first and foremost they were concerned about our well-being. Just like us, they worry, they want us to be well and happy. They want us to be together, sure, but much, much more than that, they need us to be ok.

It was amazing to me to experience how they were able to notice and appreciate the changes in me – my eldest especially, as he used to ask me constantly if I was ok prior to the separation, even at times when we were “happily married”, and of course I always said I was, now he never asks me! We can sometimes pretend so much that we fool the world, and even ourselves, but somehow our kids just know the truth of our feelings, they are perceptive like that.

The second thing that they want is a home (read stability). Its hard for them to truly wrap their minds around such a huge change and we don’t get a chance to address everything they are worried about because most of the times we don’t know what they are thinking, but I asked and they we worried that they wouldn’t have a home anymore. We reassured them that they would still have this home, and that’s another thing that’s best for kids, especially little ones, that they remain in their home; that they have stability. In our case it was possible for us to do that, but even if just for a short time after the separation, it’s important so that they don’t feel abandoned.

Thirdly, they should never feel like they are losing a parent. We felt it was important for them to see where their daddy was moving to. They would feel much more comfortable if they could see for themselves that he does in fact have a bed to sleep in and food to eat… they worried about that. The very first day of the separation, their dad was able to take them to where he was staying and let them spend some time over there with him, so they were reassured that he was ok and that he was not leaving them. It needs to be made extremely clear to kids, and not verbally, but they need it to be shown/proven that they still have access to the parent that’s not around at any time and that the parent is not leaving them or leaving because of them. I feel like we were able to do that and I can see that the kids are confident that their daddy did not leave them and they are happy that he is good.

Fourthly, allow them to feel whatever they need to feel. Acknowledge and accept their emotions as valid, don’t make the mistake of telling them “don’t be sad” or “don’t cry” – let them be sad, it’s a sad situation, it’s very sad. They will feel a range of emotions and they won’t be sure how to deal with them, and we’re here to help them through anything they are feeling, but we have to allow them their emotions. I sat with my kids on the first day when they came back from their dad’s house, it was one of the hardest moments of my life, I held them, I answered their questions, I allowed them to cry, and then they felt settled, they were comfortable, they knew that all they had to do was ask and I’d call him for them.

You know, people have the misconception that life should always be happy, that our kids should always be happy, but I think if we focus too much on that we aren’t making sure our kids are able to cope with all the complexities of life – it’s rarely ever happy! And I feel like I am giving them the tools they need to function as healthy, stable, compassionate individuals in the future. And least I hope to God that I am.

I am sure I made many mistakes, and I will continue to do so, but I am trying my best in the situations that I am given, and I think that’s the most any of us can do. Separation and divorce is not easy and requires an extreme amount of thought and consideration, but it’s not the end of the world, for parents, or for kids. We can always choose to do the right thing – you’ll know it’s right cuz it’ll be hard! The “right” thing is rarely easy, but in the end, it’ll make you a better person, and it’ll make those around you happier because they’ll be sure that you’re truly OK.