For Better or Worse.

I wish that I could go through one day without shouting at my kids. Shouting at them to stop fighting, to stop screaming, to stop climbing, to stop running. I wish.

I wish to be a stay at home mom for better or worse?

I love it that I can prepare and serve my kids all their meals, and I love it even more when they actually enjoy it. I adore the time just before their midday naps when I hug them and give them kisses and tell them little jokes that make them laugh and laugh. I enjoy listening to them talk to each other, they are really funny together, the 2 year old asking question after question, and the almost 4 year old trying to answer each one… until he eventually gets fed up!

But. Isn’t there always a but though.

But I am tired, I am exhausted, and I feel like I am struggling to be a real mom. I want to be the mom that reads bedtime stories, that teaches them about science and math, that encourages their creativity and imagination. And I think that I used to be that mom. Maybe it is just the added stress of having a baby added to the mix, but I wonder if I would be a better mom if I was not a stay at home mom. I wonder if spending time each day at work, away from my babies, would help be to appreciate the time with them more.

I feel like at the end of the day nothing is accomplished, yet I am tired. I am confused. Am I a failure? I look at them sleeping in their beds after a long day and wonder if I could have done things differently. I want them so much, I want to be with them, I want to have them, I want to love them. I want to teach them, I want them to love learning, I want them to see the beauty in the world, I want them to make a difference. But I question my ability as a mother.

Am I being the mom that I want my kids to remember when they have their own kids?

I don’t know for sure that I want them to remember a short-tempered, shouting, ball of nerves…

Some of us can be amazing stay at home moms, home-schooling moms even, and some of us can be awesome working moms, and I guess I still have to find the balance that works for me. But I know that for better or worse, I love being a mom.