Talk to me and life decisions

As much as I adore the freedom of working from home, I am at a crossroads, I am at that point where I look at my kids and I get an instant headache, where I no longer enjoy activities with them, where I am constantly struggling to be everything to everyone, and still have something left for myself.

I miss working, at like a “real” job, with a team and meetings and everything, I miss the high of impossible deadlines, I miss those impromptu corridor brainstorming sessions, I miss the funky smell in the kitchen even, wait, maybe I don’t miss that part!

My business is actually doing very well, it’s been nothing short of amazing, but the truth is that I have trouble keeping up with it, I have trouble caring for my kids and managing my workload, I only survive because my clients have been incredibly understanding souls!

I think at this moment, I am seriously pondering going back out to work, but I know that I will surely feel guilty about not being with my kids.

So… thoughts anyone?

Thoughts from Maliha

Salamaat Dear Shaz,
This is a decision only you can make for yourself. You know how incredibly controversial this topic is and every woman tends to figure out what works for them and their families.

It doesn’t have to be an either/or. I don’t know about you, but I absolutely *hated* the corporate world. It’s soul draining and exhausting; the pretense of it all drove me nuts.

If you go back out to work, you will still come home at the end of the day, purely exhausted having to deal with all the home-related issues...the distance from your kids, and the guilt that comes out of it.

The thing is, although it seems like forever, they will soon grow and be out of your reach. They need you the most when they are this young, in need of attention, nurturing, and good ole-home loving. No one can replace you.

Balance is key if you venture out. I field some contract work, but I absolutely refuse to work when no one is around to help with the kids. I get my mom/sis or someone to watch them while I do a couple hours of work (and I am strict on how many hours I do..I average about 4 a day.) I would go insane if I had to work and keep an eye on them, and it would be unfair to sufy who is full of energy and curiousity now.

I just try to portion out my days so that I can get the most done; within the time I have...And it works so far…

I hope that helps and pardon my presumption in offering my two cents.

Maybe for now just decrease the workload, be adamant on keeping clients on hold until you are done with the ones you have (set a time limit a week on how much you do.) And then set aside time for your babies, housework, etc. Also, solicit help and pay for it if you must. If you can’t, then wait till hubby is home to get your work done.

It will take some soul searching and reshuffling, but don’t rush into anything (anything but the corporate world, please)

Take care of you shaz, and remember all this stress/challenges will seem a dream someday (ask your mom.)

Thoughts from sf

I quit working when I had my first one over 6yrs ago. I do *miss* going out there but I don’t think am ready yet. My youngest is about 21 months old and I am willing to wait until she is old enough, probably start school then think of working part-time until they are all full-time in school and I can get back home in time with them. It is difficult with young children but I have older friends who tell me that it’s all worth it to wait until they are older and more capable. But the decision at the end is yours.

Thoughts from Cakes

oh jeez, Shaz.  What a big one.

My suggestion is you get a sitter and you and Mousehunter go out for a long dinner together.  The two of you really need to be on the same page with this stuff and a little wine always helps.

I know what a tough decision this is, but only you and Mousehunter can make it.  My input is simply this, one of the many reasons I didn’t go back to work was I knew that I wasn’t making a choice between working or being a homemaker.  I was making a choice to do one or both.  I knew the stress of doing both would buckle me.

Don’t get me wrong, Chowder is a very involved father. very. And an amazingly supportive husband. But, he is a scattered brain oaf when it comes to some things (he’d be the first to tell you.) and I’d have to pick up the pieces. 

This is why I think you and Mousehunter have really being in synch on this one.  Good Luck, dear. It’s a toughy.

Thoughts from shaz

u know Cakes… my husband is a little useless when it comes to stuff like this! his blanket response is always, ‘do what u want to do!’, so umm… yeah… that’s why i come to u all!!

the thoughts/opinions/advice of all my readers are always helpful and most appreciated.

Thoughts from Umm Layth

as salamu ‘alaykum

I don’t really know you so I don’t want to say much… since you did ask for thoughts though, I would advise you to to look at the pros and cons of working with very young children in the picture. There are many ?s you can ask yourself such as, where will my children spend most of their time if I work?

I’ve worked while I had a child. Alhamdulillah, I did get to bring him to work, but things just changed so dramatically. Our home wasn’t so homey anymore. It was more chaotic, unclean, and the stress level for me was higher because I had even more responsbilities. I wanted a job at that time because I craved working. I craved being up and around. But in the end, because of my first child not getting enough attention, because of the stress my husband was facing, and because I realized that what I want isn’t always worth going after, I quit.

Thoughts from S

I’m with you. My husband just told me in a fit of anger that I was a bad mother because I complained about the stresses of motherhood. He knows, of course, that this will haunt me for the rest of my days. He knows not, of course, the stress and total physical exhaustion that caring for a small child ft will wreak upon a person.
It IS hard.

Thoughts from Umm Layth

That’s hard to hear @ S. Men have a very hard time understanding what it is like to spend our entire time with children. They can’t handle the kids themselves for very long.

It’s very hard to remain positive when our children blow our ears out with their screaming, talking, and attention seeking. I really wish I could turn all that negativity, or any moment that I feel that my husband may not understand, into a positive thought...something like rushing to get the ‘ajr that the men aren’t after. It’s just really tough to remain positive sometimes. And that’s why we need breaks for reflection. They help so much and re energize.

Thoughts from iMuslim

I’m gonna suggest something, but seeing as i am not a working mum (or any kind of mum!), i’ll understand if it is a dumb suggestion!

I imagine all you need for your work is a computer, right? And you have a laptop as i far as i remember… is there any way that you can escape the house & kids for two hours a day, and take your laptop to a public space with a net connection, like the local library, or internet cafe, and work from there? That way you can do some solid work away from home and kids, but retain the independence of being your own boss. I know two free hours is asking a lot from a mum of three small boys… but maybe it’s possible somehow?

Thoughts from Surviving

You will probably end up feeling some kind of guilty and questioning your decision either way. 

I’ve know women who were better moms when they had that time out of the house working.  I would suggest looking at both situations and deciding which you feel benefited your family the most.  Does having that time the house make it easier for you to deal with the family stuff or does having the flexibility of your own business make things easier for you?  I really don’t think there is a right or wrong answer to this.  Either way your kids are growing up in a loving home, and isn’t that really what matters the most.

Thoughts from shaz

S… wow, i really feel for you. husbands can say the stupidest things sometimes! this is TRULY not an easy job.

Umm Layth… thank you for your thoughts, they are always welcome! you know, because i am working at home, the stress is already there on all of us, just as if i had to go out to work, but sometimes more because i get very little rest or alone time.

iMuslim… haha trust the “non-mom” to have a practical solution! well, as much as i would love to sit in a coffee house or something, i don’t know if that can really become a reality with me… although, i may actually give it a try at some point.

sf… i think i REALLY miss going “out there” :(

Thoughts from shaz

Maliha, thank you so much for your thoughtful response, it brings home a lot of excellent points and you’re given me much to ponder!

Thoughts from iMuslim

"as much as i would love to sit in a coffee house or something, i don’t know if that can really become a reality with me”

Lack of time, or lack of coffee houses?

You just need a space away from the kids to work in - wherever that may be. If you went back to outside work, you’d have to arrange sitting for the kids anyway, right? So in a sense, it can’t necessarily be a lack of time.

I’ve heard that people who are self-employed find it a bit tough going back to normal employment, mainly cos they lose a lot of independence, and now have to answer to other people. I think you’re doing a great job with your web design work, masha’Allah, and you seem to be getting a steady flow of projects.

I think the happy medium (if it exists) is to timetable some alone time for your work. But because that is impossible inside the house, you need to get out.

Wouldn’t it be great if you could hire a small office somewhere with some other self-employed mums in the area, and work from there? You could all be working on completely different things, but just be sharing the rent for the office space. You’re more likely to work better in an office, than a public space, and that way you’d also get the grown-up human interaction you seem to be craving.

Ok, tell me to shut up if the “practical” solutions are getting annoying… i’m such a bloke sometimes!

Thoughts from Cakes

Shaz~I know what you mean about him helping with making the decision.  (But. I think it’s great that he is so supportive!) I meant that you guys need to be sure to hash out household responsibilities to be sure everyone knows what is expected of him/her.  KWIM?  He might think it’s a great idea because you will be doing everything. Also you need agree about childcare.

One thing I did when I was trying to make this decision was to look at how much money I would be bringing home.  Here is a calculator to kind of get an idea, but one thing it leaves out is taxes.

Here is the U.S. my salary would have bumped us up to a higher tax bracket making my total take home pay like $225.

I like what iMuslim is getting at, but I think you also miss being a part of a team.  What if you got together with some other moms in the same industry to create a network/team so you can be apart of something bigger.

Thoughts from shaz

iMuslim.. actually that is a pretty great suggestion, if I can manage to work out the logistics of something like i think it would be amazing!

Cakes… hmmmm, well, he does help out a lot now, and i think he sees that i am getting seriously stressed, so at this point i think neither of us really know what the answer is! Salary-wise, i think it would be ok, i mean i was paying about $1000 a month in taxes alone when i was working before, so i know what you mean about taxes… it’s CRAZY, but if i went to work, i would make much more than i am making currently, and i only have one kid in daycare at this point so that’s more manageable than all 3 in daycare.

Still not exactly sure tho, but i do think i am going to get someone to come clean my house, because i am unable to handle the mess at this point!!!