Surrendered
Or defeated, I am not sure which, but I’ve realized that this is how I feel. And I am not sure it’s an entirely bad feeling to be honest.
The “usual” me, although quite a believer in fate and ‘things happening as they are meant to’, would be quite perturbed over my lack of control with anything in my life. But now though, I feel, I think, resigned – I am not sure if I lost the urge to hope or care or I’ve just really accepted that the path planned by the Almighty is better and just, no matter how bleak it may appear at the moment. I’ve decided to believe it’s the latter.
I think in most religions there is the notion of tests and trials, and when we go through them, I think that we are forever changed, hopefully for the better. There were times that my faith was seriously shaken, never really lost, but perhaps just questioned, mostly at the times I reflected upon my life and was actually shocked by the reality of my situation. Those moments didn’t last very long though, they are fleeting, few and far-between, yet there.
Normal, I guess, are those feelings, I mean we all cycle through highs and lows, periods of faith and periods of disenchantment with everything. I’ve noticed that it’s the really small things that give us the strength to go on, like kids – they are quite the little miracles, a kind word from a friend, a smile from a stranger, genuine appreciation from a client.
I think it took a long time for me to find some kind of peace in my life, apparently peace is impossible to come by when we’re trying to figure out the mysteries of the universe, or, you know, the “whys” in our lives. Acceptance seems to work much better. Or just surrender, because life happens as happens.
