Strategies for managing the “in-law” relationship after kids
Clearly I’m on very controversial territory here, but apparently I am a strong girl, so let’s do it.
The “in-law” relationship is almost always a very difficult one to manage and maintain, but when it comes to the addition of kids, it gets to be about a hundred times worse. I am, by no stretch of the imagination, good at the “in-law” thing, and honestly, at times I outright suck, but I have learnt a lot, and that, my friends, I would like to share with you.
- Respect
Which I think is most important; respect for cultural differences, for religious differences, for differing opinions – I can almost guarantee you that your in-laws and you will have a different opinion on just about everything that concerns your child, unless of course, you’re one of those ultra lucky few who cannot relate to these issues, in which case, you may want to read a book instead!
Although I knew, in theory, that my in-laws had just as much “say” in the upbringing of my kids as my own parents, it was a hard thing to accept in reality; hard because so much of their ways were not mine, to the point that their “normal” was almost outrageous to me! But, I realized along the way that they only know their way, and I could not expect them to blindly just accept my way as superior, it’s a humbling realization, and an important one for all parties, because it allows us to honestly have that respect for one another.
- Compromise
With my first child, I was a bit obsessive (I tend to be OCD about certain, some may say nonsensical, things, but I digress) about the foods that I allowed him to eat, or the toys that I allowed him to play with, or the brand of diapers that I used, and I think a lot of times my mother in law was, to be frank, scared of me! Well, I know for sure she was scared of doing “the wrong thing” with her new grandchild.Compromise works both ways, as with any relationship, neither party has to really totally love everything that the other wants to do, but certainly each can find a way to deal with a few of these “atrocities”. There are certain things that both their father and I feel strongly about, and the in-laws are generally understanding about those things, but other things that I, personally, may not like, but is really not hurting the kids, I have learnt not to let those things bother me.
My kids and I do not live in a little self-sufficient bubble, I will freely admit that it does take a village to raise a child, and I would be nowhere without my family and their father’s family; they all have a right to my kids.
- Trust
For me, trust is a little difficult, it’s something that I literally had to learn. I am a person of faith, I have a very strong spiritual side, which really helps me deal with a lot of things in my life, and which also helps me to “let go” sometimes.I think we all, as new moms, go through an insecurity phase, where we really don’t trust anyone with our precious little gems, but I had to understand that the in-laws were not just anyone, they were as important as my parents were, even if I may not have necessarily liked or agreed with everything that they did.
Letting go and trusting your child to someone who is not you is probably one of the most difficult things to do in this life. Sometimes the fact that my kids are a part of “another family” escapes my comprehension and then I need to remind myself that it’s really ok for me to let go and have faith in them, because I am sure that they love those kids just as much as I do!
Disclaimer: I acknowledge the fact that not every “in-law” relationship is the same, some I’ve witnessed are certainly enviable, some are so disastrous that I would be stunned if any “strategies” would be able to help, and some are just outright dysfunctional, but these are just general strategies, based on my personal experience.
