Looking back into the darkness

A baby story.

We were driving to my dad’s home in Miami, it was very late at night and sleepiness was certainly catching up with us. My sister and the baby were sleeping the in back of the minivan, and my husband and I were trying our best to stay awake. We chatted, or tried to chat, at least I was trying to talk to him… he thought it was best to sip on a caffeinated beverage.

It was a little more than 4 years after we had been married, and a few months after we had our first baby. We always loved our road trips, it was ‘our’ time, we could re-connect with each other, remember why we loved each other, it was our getaway. But, this was the first time with a baby, and ‘our’ time was now non-existent.

I talked and talked so much on that 3 hour, red-eye road trip from Orlando to Miami, it was almost a monologue. Nattering on about working, my theories on life, religion, people, until finally I settled on the topic of university and reminded myself of how we met. Suddenly my head became so clear, almost, you know, like inhaling some Vicks vapor rub!

The past year flashed before my eyes and I realized that we were living a lie, we were pretending to have a marriage, I had not told him that I loved him in months… and I could not tell him because until that very moment, I actually thought that I hated him. There were times that he repulsed me, I could not stop criticizing his every action, I constantly complained about my hard times with the baby, I didn’t care if he was hurt, I just didn’t notice him. I only lived with him because someone had to help me with ‘our’ baby!

Life for him was a nightmare, he tells me now he was on the verge of leaving me. I didn’t notice his pain until that moment in the van, when I started to feel love in my heart again; I looked up at him and finally noticed the hurt he had been carrying. I felt like I was going to burst with emotion, I said I was sorry, I said that I didn’t know what had happened to me, I said everything that came to my mind, but he just stared at me, almost numb.

We did reconnect soon after that. But it was short lived. History almost repeated itself.

During my second pregnancy, I hated my body, I thought my husband was not interested in me at all, I spent 2 months in the hospital before I gave birth to my second son and I tried my best not to show any emotion. When I finally got home, I was secretly very depressed; I was struggling with my weight and my appearance. I had already put on 40lbs with my first son, and now I could hardly recognize myself. That, with the added effects of my fluctuating hormones gave me a severe self esteem problem. I projected all my negative feelings onto my husband, and I saved the best parts of me for my kids.

Our marriage again almost ended. I assumed that I was successful in convincing those around us that everything was ok, and I think that I also convinced myself that everything was ok. We eventually lost each other. We fell into routines with the kids, life was exhausting, work was never-ending, and pretending to be in love was certainly taking a toll on our emotional well-being.

Before life became completely unbearable, God had mercy on us. I managed to look deep into my heart, past my insecurities and fears, and I found some love in there! Seriously! It was not all gone, as I had thought. I forgot about being an over-weight mother for a moment, I forgot about instructing my husband on how to be a perfect dad, I forgot about my feelings that I was an unattractive wife. I had to just forget about every unpleasant thought that was making my mind foggy.

Usually in postpartum depression articles, I had always encountered discussions about sadness, and anger towards the new baby, and suicidal thoughts… I however did not experience any of that. I thought that I felt normal; I honestly did, at the time I did not notice that I was falling apart. It was hard to realize that I had become consumed with my self, obsessed with my declining attractiveness, engrossed in my self-pity, and was completely struggling with my self-esteem.

My husband did not know how to deal with what I had become, again. Both he and I did not know the signs. We did not think that this was a psychological problem. He developed his own coping mechanism. I immersed myself into a myriad of different projects to keep my mind busy. The kids were never neglected. The kids got our complete love and attention. Postpartum is only about neglecting your baby, or having anger towards your baby, I was ill-informed, I thought this had nothing to do with postpartum, and I was in fact sure that my husband had fallen out of love with me, was patronizing me when he said that he still found me attractive, and was outright lying when he said that he adored only me.

Three times a charm? The third baby came with many blessings, and we finally got things right. (Thank God). He was supportive. Supportive at the right times, and just the right amount so I did not feel suffocated. He was loving. Loving all the time, but not over-bearing. He was patient. As he always is with me.

If I had to advise any new father, it would be to be supportive, loving, and patient, not too suffocate and don’t be overbearing, towards your wife. And make her feel special everyday. And to any new mother, I would say “sometimes the darkness goes away all by itself, and sometimes we have to chase it away, but please don’t let it find a place to settle”.

Thoughts from shaz

thanks Mokey. It is sad that PPD is not more recognized in Trinidad, and even elsewhere I imagine. But I write my experiences and thoughts in the hopes that it may help others…

Thoughts from Suroor

Shaz, kudos to you for expressing so well what almost every woman goes through. People keep saying that children bring couples together but sometimes they actually take them apart. Darling, what you went through is very normal and natural. I’m glad you saw past it and discovered the love for your husband.

I really like Aqeel, and this is not why I’m saying it but because you are my “ukhti” ( ) – you are very lucky to have the support of a man who is crazy about you, mashallah. Your children are important because they are his; because he is their father, a man you love. I try to see it like that always so I’m humbled and know that after Allah, my husband is the cause I have the blessing of being a mother.

Find time for each other; go on trips; discover each other again and again. May Allah bless your union always, ameen. Love to you both, my darlings!

Thoughts from koonj

Your story broke my heart. I could just feel what you went through, stagnating, almost losing feeling and the ability to feel, and then regaining it. Sometimes, seriously, this stuff takes us through such emotional trauma that I totally understand people who don’t want to have children or who just don’t want to take risks. It’s so hard and some people are so ignorant and even nasty about it. Just a little while ago, someone left a nasty little comment on my blog saying my priorities were messed up and it was surprising I wasn’t even more depressed. Wow, what a piece of sunshine. Thanks so much for the understanding, little b——-, I wanted to say, stay away from my space.

But here we are and I’m so happy that you rediscovered yourself and your husband underneath all that pain and all that darkness. It’s very courageous of you to be open about your struggles to help people think about their’s. Most of us are too scared people will think “omg they’re NOT a perfect couple??”

Thoughts from Suroor

I agree with Koonj that it is not surprising some people are scared about having children.

You are so brave mashallah. You saw right through the dark. NO couple is ‘perfect’ all the time. People who ‘show’ that are, well, ‘showing’.

Thoughts from Maliha

Salamaat,
Mashaallah…thank you for sharing Shaz, that took a lot of courage. It is hard, kids do turn marriages upside down and I relate to a lot of what you wrote. I am glad you found your bearings and I pray Allah continue to shine His light and mercy on your family (amin).

Huggzzz…

Thoughts from Surviving

This really describes what I have been going through.  It is a really hard time.  I hope that I am able to get through it like you did.

Thoughts from Sherry

Well that was a change from the regular blogs. Ive got to say that it was quite a sad story. It must be very difficult to reflect on things that make you remember being depressed. I know that it must be hard for you to share this story with everyone, but its a good outlet and i can see that your faithful readers are keeping you in their prayers and are not in anyway judging you. I hope that you have overcome your darkness as you call it, and have now entered a new period of your life where the only darkness is when mousehunter turns off the corridor light. heehe

Thoughts from shaz

suroor, thanks for the support, and glad you approve of aqeel ameen to your dua.

koonj, you are right, I hardly ever encounter anyone speaking openly about their relationship with their spouse. I too did not speak about this openly which it was happening, I pushed it away, and I was very scared of being judged as ‘not a good wife’!

maliha, hugs to your too! you inspire me a lot, thanks. ameen to your dua.

surviving, I hope that you get through it as well, inshallah. It is a hard time, and I think that its very hard for husband’s to understand and appreciate what we feel as women. Both my husband and I had to really try very hard to work through this time and these feelings. But alhamdulillah, he gets it! eventually! but if I had understood what I was feeling, maybe we did not have to reach the state that we did. Alhamdulillah we got back to each other, but unfortunately a lot of couples don’t. May Allah make it easy for you, and may you and your family be happy. ameen.

thanks sherry. lol on the corridor lights! it was actually therapeutic to write about this, for both me and the mousehunter! And I wished that more couples would share their experiences since I thought there was something very wrong with me and I didn’t know the answers!

Thoughts from Mona UmIbrahim

I relate also to your story. You wrote about it so well. subhanAllah probably all mothers go through this. the kids take all the energy and time and then you wake up one day and realize you never spend time with your husband or tried to. ofcourse a relationship will go downhill if you don’t put any effort. but how can you when you’re so overwhelmed and you keep getting into small arguments over the kids or housework or something or other. it’s hard. it’s really hard.

Weight gain always gets me depressed. And pregnancy just spells weight gain. I’m in my third pregnancy now so that’s what i’m going through at the moment. I feel like i’ve gained too much weight and i was getting depressed. Then i read an article online and it said gaining a pound a week is normal in the second trimester and i felt like this huge pressure was lifted off me. I haven’t been pregnant for almost 3 years so i forgot most of the info.

May Allah keep your family healthy and happy for you. Jazaki Allahu khair for sharing this important experience for other mothers.

Thoughts from Sherry

Just another little note about this post – Im sure that there are women out there that suffer from this type of postpartum depression that you experienced. Medically, there are two types of PPD, one being related to resentment of the child for things like mood, body changes etc. While the other being an actual chemical imbalance, which would have to be controlled with the help of prescription drugs. The point im trying to make is that not many mothers ‘resent’ – for lack of a better word – their husbands for their feelings. But I do think that its a very intersting point seeing as though there are others out there who can relate to your “darkness”. Therefore it seems to me that there is another type of postpartum out there, what do you think??

Thoughts from Robin P

Wow,Shaz. That was a powerful post. I think there are many symptoms to each medical problem and if we don’t know what they all are,we can easily be misdiagnosed,especially if we are diagnosing ourself.

PPD effects women in so many ways. It’s a shame people don’t know all the signs. I think it should be part of chidbirth classes and a requirement for all pregnant couples.

It’s amazing that you were able to come through this and your marriage survived. That is truly a blessing.

I didn’t have PPD but even still,a baby makes a huge impact on a married couple.I was home all day with Lillianna which left me no time for myself. I was happy when Rich came home so that he could pitch in. He came home after working 8 hours and driving one hour home and he wanted to be left alone to chill out. That caused us to resent one another. Thank goodness for marriage counseling….lol.

Your writing is beautiful and this post was very thought provoking. The more information people have,the better they can cope if they are in this situation.

Thoughts from shaz

Mona, mabrook on the pregnancy, may allah make it easy for you, and you and your baby remain in the best of health, ameen. thanks for your kind words and dua.

Sherry… it does need more discussion I think.

Robin, thanks for your comments. You know the weird part for me, was that my husband did everything, he did the dishes, laundry, took care of the baby as soon as he got home, he waited for dinner to be cooked and never complained. I mean, I had no reason to be upset or resentful; he was completely happy to help me with everything and never once asked me what I did all day! But I just had this deep resentment and almost hate, and anger in me towards him, and I did not want him to touch me, or show any affection, and I certainly had no love in me to show him… it was a horrible time, but while I was going through it, I did not notice, I just honestly in my mind thought that he was being an ass, and I was completely justified in my feelings!

Thoughts from crunchy carpets

I don’t think a lot of people realize how much work a marriage is. How much nurturing it really takes.  And how hard that can be when outside forces are eating away at you.

We too have had dark times, but have managed to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and remind ourselves why we are together.

We pull into ourselves for survival..forgetting the survival of those around us sometimes.

Thoughts from Waya

That was a very brave and honest of you to open up for the world to see.  You probably have helped a lot of women who went through the same thing. 

I’m glad everything works out finally!  I didn’t go through any of the postpartum depression but my problem was with the in-laws.  With my first son, they wanted their say in everything, but my hubbie stood his ground and supported me through and through.

Marriage is a lot of work and we do work at it, we are each other best friend and soul mate.  And with 3.5 kids, it just gets better and better every day!

Thoughts from mokey

hey…i know that this is kinda late but i wanted you to know that i admire your courage and your strength to actually talk about what you went through…you know something, here in trinidad it’s taboo to talk about things like that (post partum depression) ppl look down on you as if you’re crazy or that you are jus plain old stupid…but it is something that exists and something that can have devastating effects if not dealt with in the right way….on a brighter note….i am glad that everything worked out…..it’s a gift that you have (your strength) and it’s good to know that you’re using it wisely….