On working
I am consistently late, apparently regardless of all my genuine efforts to be on time, and even (gasp) early, I am still late! I know! I think its terribly unfair as well! I am sure you can guess where I am going with this… Yes, I was late for work, on my second day! Let me say though that I technically should start working at 7 am, as per my request, because if you know anything about Toronto you know that 7 am is considered “ungodly”, nonetheless, my manager agreed and now I am late! Sigh! But, in my defense, the reason that I am late is because I missed my train and the next one was not for an entire hour after the first, because as previously mentioned, the absolute “ungodlyness” of the hour means that there ain’t too much of a demand for transportation at the time that I commute!
Anyways, being back at work is strange, and interesting, but mostly strange. For example, people look at me a little funny if I walk around without shoes.. I know right! The nerve! No one ever does that to me at home! And friends, if you read my blog you should know that I am an idiot, because seriously I am such an idiot its not even funny, I had my first meeting yesterday and about 5 mins into it, I suddenly very passionately remembered that I detest meetings and also that I love working in pjs and no shoes! Oh well.. I did go out for Thai food and Sushi, when ordinarily I have a bowl of multi grain Tostitos for lunch, so that’s a huge perk right there.
Being back at work is sorta nice, as in, there is interaction with people my own age, who appreciate my sarcasm, conversations that do not involve poo, pee, bogger, or cherrios, well, not often anyways, I get to sit alone at a desk that is not covered in non-toxic markers, confiscated toys, and other kiddie contraband, although, admittedly, the grey cubicle does not exactly excite me. I think that most of my concerns are emotion.. am I making the right decision, will my kids be ok, will I have enough time to do everything.. which I am sure all parents who work out of the home face, but especially after having done the stay-at-home mommy thing for so long, I’ve become a bit more sensitive to my kids being without me.
It has been somewhat intimidating to be out as an “individual” and not as a “mother”; I think nothing has ever caused me to be as unsure of myself as motherhood has..
I now walk down a street that I’ve walked down for many years of my life and I have never felt so lacking in confidence, self esteem and generally like I had no idea what I should do on my own, almost as if not having a stream of kids behind made me less of a person or with less of a purpose anyways. I’ve often wondered what happened to my independence, how bizarre that at a time in my life that I am responsible for multiple souls, I feel so remarkably unsure of myself. What is it about motherhood that makes us second guess ourselves, worry about what the world thinks of us, and completely fearful of taking risks? At some level our kids have made us re-evaluate life, our priorities, the risks that we are willing to take, and although this is certainly expected and good, I am not convinced that any good comes from our new found inability to function as a single person. I think that being back out in the world is giving me some of “myself” back, which I really desperately needed.
And finally, I am starting to dislike commuting, yes, I know, duh, but for some reason life on the outside seems so much more glamorous when you’re stuck at home with a 2 year old..ya know what I’m sayin’... Anyways, I have to take a train to work, which is actually not bad, and MUCH better than driving (especially with the insane price of gas right), but its clear that missing trains is really not a wise option, although it does give me the opportunity to compose blog posts!
