Mommy, the sequel.
Yesterday was not such a great day… (as you might have been able to guess from my previous post)
As this week started, I started feeling like I just did not want to be a parent anymore… well, at least I did not want to be a stay at home one!
The constant “mommy, mommy, mommy” of the almost 4 year old, combined with the insistence of the 2 year old for me to help him put gloves on his hands in the middle of summer, and with the background noise of the crying baby just made me want to scream… very loudly. It took every bit of restraint and faith in me to remain fairly calm. And as my almost 4 year old was telling me “keep it together man!”, I made sure they were all safe and made my ‘getaway’ to the bathroom for a few minutes of silence.
My husband, who I can imagine is also constantly tired and would also like an escape was assigned to babysitting duties as soon as he entered the house… But as I sat by myself, googling mastitis because I thought that was the reason for my considerable breast pain and ‘cranky’ disposition, the family downstairs sounded like they were falling apart without me there.
I felt angry that I could not get a break… my husband appeared to be pretty inconsiderate and useless to me… I mean he could not take care of them for just 5 minutes… JUST 5 minutes! I did need some rest, especially with the mastitis and everything, I mean it is an illness after all!
So here I am today… there is much to be said about a brand new day… turns out that I do not have mastitis. Still don’t know about the breast pain… maybe from nursing a teething baby. At some level I almost wish that I did have an infection, because then I would have an excuse for feeling like crap, and I would not have to feel like I was just a miserable mother, but as it happens…
Motherhood is a weird career, its great yet it totally sucks, the pay is horrible yet more people join everyday, the rewards are not obvious right away and miraculously we have the patience to wait for it, the perks however makes it all worthwhile. So as I sit here, typing on the ridiculously small keyboard (without gaming console attachment), my kids are down for their nap and the baby is getting a chance to crawl around on the floor. Earlier today we took a walk and then I listened to them play in the tiny backyard, I noticed that I was enjoying their voices again, enjoying my 2 year old say for the first time ever “I don’t like bugs mommy”, in that sweeter than anything 2 year old way of talking, and I felt at peace with myself.
I spent a lot of time sitting in front of my computer in the past 2 days, not so much doing work or anything productive, but more because it was the only form of escape that was possible. But having spent more time enjoying my kids today, I noticed that they really did not mind so much that I was a little distant lately, they were just happy to be playing today.
Do I really need an excuse to have a break? Does it really make me a bad mother to just want an escape sometimes? Is it really unreasonable to just want some silence? Does it really mean that I do not like my kids or that I should not have kids if sometimes I wish that I can be ‘without’ them? Maybe we do not have to ensure that our kids are being ‘stimulated’ every second of the day… maybe we don’t have to be their playmate every second of the day… maybe sometimes we can just let them be…
Sometimes I can just deal with the priorities, like making sure they are fed and safe, because being the ‘far-from-supermom’ mother than I am if I attempt to be everything that they want all of the time, I will certainly explode.
