Being ok: The story of me today

It was a pretty cold and rainy day in April when we came out of the therapist’s office, I was on the verge of tears (and a complete meltdown, although I had no idea that was in store for me), and the first thing he said to me as we headed to the car was “wow, you have issues!” I felt too much like I was in some sort of weird alternate reality to react to that comment.

Our marriage therapist, a West Indian woman herself, at first thought I was pretty funny and well adjusted. After a couple visits though, she sort of stood back, looked at me concerned and said “I don’t think you actually feel emotions”. I sort of wanted to laugh, because it sounded so ridiculous, but I also sort of wanted to sob, because it sounded so real.

After months and months of complete confusion, I slowly realized that I was one of those people whose hurt and sadness was buried so deep down inside that it was hidden from everyone, including myself apparently. It was the hardest time in my life. I wanted desperately to be back to “normal”. I wanted everything to just be “ok” again. To be honest, I wasn’t sure what I wanted. What I learnt though was that for most of my life I tried to be what I was expected to be, and I forgot what it was like to actually be me.

The separation was the result of a lot of discussions and consultations – I believe it was something that we really needed to do and I believe that neither of us has regretted the decision. I will not say that there is no way things can be resolved, I mean although we do have divorce papers about to be filed, life has shown me that nothing is impossible, nothing is black and white, and never say “never” (actually that last one, Sid taught me, but you know…). I have no idea how my life will end up, but I do know that at this point in my life, this is what I needed.

Sometimes people listen to me and wonder how I didn’t know I wasn’t actually feeling emotions and I really don’t know the answer. What I do know is that I worked a lot, I had a lot of “projects”, I always had to be doing something, I gained an excessive amount of weight, I overreacted for the littlest things, but didn’t react at all for other things, laughed a lot, made inappropriate-funny-mostly-to-me comments a lot and now I understand that I had to distract myself to unnatural levels just to survive, I had to make things funny so I didn’t feel the sadness, and repression/suppression of things usually causes very obvious weight gain and very bipolar-like behavior.

My friend said to me that she believes that we have to reach rock bottom before we’re brave enough to make the changes we need to for our lives to be better. Maybe that’s what happened, I don’t know. But the closeness and intimacy that I share today with my kids was not something that I’ve ever been able to experience before and no matter what I had to go through to get here, I’ll be eternally grateful. I now live my life with integrity, I know that I am being honest to the people in my life, to myself, and especially to my kids, who are so perceptive that they’ve noticed, and very much appreciate, the cosmic shift in my state of being.

During those really confusing days when I wasn’t sure what emotions really felt like, someone very important to me told me that “the situation we’re in should dictate how we feel”, and I think back now to that and it’s probably the worse bit of advice I’ve ever gotten. I think I do need to feel what I feel – I cannot be scared of my emotions, I cannot be ashamed of them – they are mine, part of who I am, and if I ignore them then I am losing myself. However, I don’t think we need to act on them. Our actions should be driven by faith, compassion, morality, humanity, our life experiences and lessons; but to say that our true feelings are not valid is like saying that we are not worthy of being a person.

It took me a long time to understand that I push people away because I didn’t want to have an emotional connection with anyone. It took some pretty amazing friendships to get me through some of the most difficult days of my life. It took an immense amount of soul searching to come to a place where I am comfortable with who I am. You know, happiness is elusive and transient, I am not sure any of us know what that feels like for more than just brief moments in our lives, but this feeling that I am living the life that I want to live, that I am living with integrity, that I am not pretending to be anything I am not, or feeling anything that I am not, this is better. I think this is what “being ok” feels like. And this, I like.

Thoughts from Lyssa

I found this to be very inspiring, you are my new role model
May Allah continue to guide you and grant you the strength you need, always! <3

Thoughts from iMuslim

Ameen to the above! xxx

Thoughts from sm

I wonder the same about myself. I haven’t been near close friends for a long time. My husband can’t hear my true emotions. (Cant handle them). So I find I do the “i’m fine” act with people around me. Recently, when I was really close to broken - I realized I didnt want anyone near me to help. Because no one could help. Bc I couldnt be myself with anyone. How messed up is that? I couldnt be broken, sad, irritable around anyone comfortably. Not my family, not my friends. No one.

Thoughts from Tasmiya

What a heartfelt and bittersweet post. xxx

Thoughts from Organica

My comment below:

Thoughts from Organica

Oh, and I would like to start an uproar in the blogging community. Could we please bring back the good blogging days? The new bloggers are annoying the hell outta me and it’s our turf!

Thoughts from Surviving

Wow, I really relate to a lot of the things you talk about in this post.  It is scary.

I’m so glad to hear you are in a better place now!

Thoughts from Achelois

Strangely enough I was attending a lecture today at work given by a marriage counselor and a psychologist (divorce rates are very high in Arab countries) and she was discussing problems that children from a broken homes face. She mentioned that one issue with such children is that they learn to suppress their emotions and find it hard to realise what they want.

I saw that happen to my mother. She acted strong all her life making even herself believe that her parents broken marriage had no effect on her, that everything was for the better and in the process of showing all the positive sides of that divorce she learned to suppress how she truly felt.

I understand your post. May God bless you forever.

Thoughts from shaz

it’s interesting that you should mention that Achelois - i know it first hand. and what’s funny is that now, i make sure i create an environment for my kids that they know they are free to express their feelings - i NEVER say “don’t be sad”, NEVER! i’ve maybe gone a little overboard cuz my 7 year old was like “yea yea mommy, we know, it’s ok to be sad! and i know i will be and it’s ok”...

May God bless u forever too

Thoughts from Specs

Shazi, you made me cry!

I’ve been noticing the same lack of feeling lately and the rational part of me knows why and when and how, I just can’t seem to let the hurt in. I don’t want to deal with it.

Thoughts from shaz

specs, you know we’re kindred spirits or something. i pretty much lived my life afraid of hurt - sadly that caused me a lot of regret, but that aside… hurt doesn’t kill us! really. it sort of makes u feel like u could possibly just pass out from the pain, or make us wish we could just die because it already feels like our soul is breaking, but it doesn’t kill us…

when i did let the hurt in, i could not stop it, i felt everything, raw and without any filters, i honestly didn’t know if i could actually survive it - but i did. and i don’t know that it made me stronger, it just made me a better person - more empathic, more nurturing, able to express my feelings, made me better at helping ppl i care about and sometimes just strangers. i know i am better.

sadly tho, i must warn you, its hard to break and have no one there to help you pick up the pieces. very difficult. but it’s a test, remember, and you always have allah - that’s what helped me. and even though, the hurt never really goes away, i mean, if i think about it, it feels just as raw and painful as it ever did, it’s making me a better person, and i guess that’s what really matters…

Thoughts from sf

Alhamdulilah, you are finding (again) your true self. Sometimes we go out of course but we do find our way back or we find a better path. May Allah give you strength and love for you and your wonderful boys

Thoughts from shaz

Lyssa - thank you. your comment means a lot. a LOT!

Organica - um, ok. sure! what do we have to do? like, actually blog and *? lol

Surviving - please don’t get to the point that i was at… it is scary. very scary. take care of yourself!

sf - thank you my dear. yes, a better path. inshaAllah.

Thoughts from Cakes

You are a very strong and brave woman.

Thoughts from Salma

How brave of you to share this….that’s all i can say

Thoughts from shaz

Cakes - thank you. i think we all have it in us.

Salma -
well, i find that it’s a lot of times the only way i can really articulate what i’m feeling is in my writing. oh, if only u guys knew how much i wrote these past 2 years. it’s crazy. but anyway, when i write about things here on my blog, publicly, i find it extremely cathartic. also, readers can usually relate and i feel good if i’ve helped even 1 person who may be dealing with something similar.