Hope vs Expectation

I read somewhere that if you don’t have any expectations of people, you can’t get emotionally hurt. I am not sure if I am convinced, but I do think that no expectations definitely equals no disappointments.

For a long time I tried to separate hope from expectation in my mind. I believe that hope is a good thing. Hope keeps us going on, it keeps us looking for the good, it gives us something to struggle for, something to hold on to, something to believe in. It’s the reason we pray, we believe, we trust that in spite of almost total devastation, the people of Haiti will recover, will have a new beginning. Hope. We all need it.

Expectation however, is a bit different. It makes us act irrationally sometimes, I think. And when the things that we are expecting to happen don’t, we are not sure what to do, we get tempted to lose hope, we’re disappointed and frustrated.

For me, I try not to have expectations, especially not of people. I read somewhere that if you have something to do, just do it – if you get help, say thanks, and if not, still say thanks because at least you are able to do it – or something like that anyways. I think it changed my entire state of being.

I personally like hope, even if the things I hope for never actually happens, it’s fine, but just being able to hope brings comfort and peace.

Thoughts?

Books, hijabs and cheesecake

This morning the subway stopped one station short of mine, so I came out and walked the block and a half to my work, en route I decided that I should take a photo of Toronto cuz it looked pretty. While I was doing that, some person passed by in a car and screamed out “something-bad you moslem!” – I really don’t know what was said, but I can only imagine.

Anyway, I kinda laughed at the idiocy of it, and thought I should mention it because just this morning I was thinking about how I am really sick to death of hearing about hijabs, and muslim women dress on the whole. It’s nauseating. And although I started wearing hijab for different reasons, now I really wear it because I need to make a point, and I consider it a personal mission to change these ridiculous stereotypes that people have about muslim women.

Also, I started Willow’s comic book, air this morning on the subway, and truthfully I considered waiting on the train until they got going again instead of walking the block just so I could read some more! It’s a fascinating read thus far. And since I was on the subject of muslim women, let me just say that Willow is doing an excellent job of changing that stereotype herself!

On a lighter note, I went to get my coffee this morning and I desperately wanted to get cheesecake for breakfast, because, well, no reason really, but I had blueberry cheesecake the other day and it was hard to stop eating! Seriously, try it! Well, try it from Second Cup, their cheesecakes have been totally awesome this summer! Not that I’ve been eating them like everyday or anything – just saying…

Ok, Happy Friday people!

My last strange post, I hope

Back in 2003, you may remember a little something termed shock and awe, I was at home and somewhat mesmerized by the images on the news, I watched it day and night, basically rendering myself almost completely non-functional. I had never in my life seen anything that terrifying. After a while, I finally looked away. Subsequently, I realized that I had a problem handling “sadness”. I really could not handle it. I banned myself from anything sad – news, movies, stories – whatever it was, as long as it was sad, I avoided it like the plague.

In very recent times, I thought, for some reason, that I was able to handle things again, so I sort of, like everyone else, immersed myself into learning about this Gaza crisis and then did not sleep for days. Again, it bothered me to the point of me being almost non-functional, except now I have kids, and work, and more work, and a million other things that bother me and everything rendered me overwhelmed.

So, I just stopped. I blocked out the news, the photos, the stories, everything, and I was able to sleep for the past 3 nights. I feel a thousand times better, but guilty, sort of, because I am back to pretending that nothing horrific is happening anywhere. Most times for me to “operate” I need to block out my feelings, so there you go… that’s my story. Thanks for the emails, thoughts, and concerns, I always appreciate it!

Things I do while waiting for sleep to befall me

1) Stare out the window.

2) Read blogs, but don’t comment, because I am not entirely lucid.

3) Try to lie very still and “will” sleep to come.

4) Ponder doing work. Decide against it.

5) Make mental lists of things I have to do when I “wake up”.

6) Think to myself that I could get a lot of laundry done. If only the basement was not so scary.

7) Think to myself that I have absolutely no excuse for not packing away the clothes that are on my bedroom floor. Decide against it anyway.

8) Browse the internet.

9) Check facebook.

10) Marvel at the number of people that log into MSN Messenger at 2am.

11) Pray.

12) Look at my kids sleeping.

13) Hug the kids, kiss them, and try to make them laugh. Kids laughing in their sleep is one of my favorite things to witness.

14) Try to walk in a straight line, but appear like I can’t and is forcing myself to concentrate really hard. (This is not as easy as you may thing!)

15) Ponder why people are always so angry. I’ve decided that ignorance is our biggest enemy.

16) Answer emails. Mostly ones that have been sitting there for weeks, or months even.

17) Practice kickboxing moves.

18) Lie on the bed and stare and the ceiling.

19) Use the washroom.

20) Pace.

21) Stare at my computer screen.

22) Pick out clothes for work.

23) Check my work email.

24) Think about how we only really know people during times of conflict.

25) Think about how you know your friends are true when they remain with you even through your darkest times. And that’s when you realize that maybe you didn’t know some people as well as you thought you did.

26) Feel very blessed to have my kids all safely asleep in a warm house.

27) Pray some more.

28) Try to sleep some more.

29) Close my eyes.

30) Try to close my eyes and think good thoughts.

31) Sigh and wait for my kids to wake up.

My life in points, #1000whatever

1) I would like to suggest that every person in the world invests in a punching bag because I am certain that there will be much less war. It could even be the answer to world peace. Maybe. Who knows? Forget about the guy who invented penicillin; dude who invented a punching bag totally rocks!

2) If you’re looking for West Indian pepper sauce, try “Ricks Hot Fuh So”… I could not find a link to it, but it’s really good. We got it at this breakfast place, they put it in an omlette (it was not mine – I am not really an omlette-eater) and it was so good that I had to find out what the name was, then I told my sister the wrong name but somehow she managed to find it anyway. Yay.

3) Anyone read those Twilight books? My sister is completely obsessed. She reads me excepts, and has told me the story of book 1 and 2 in absurd detail.

4) I did read Can You Keep a Secret and it was so good I finished it in 2 days. I have no idea how. I liked the guy. Sort of. Ah, chick-lit.

5) So last month my sister and I were crossing the border into the states, and the dude asked us all of 4 questions – where we were going, how long we were going to be there, what’s our relationship, and how come I wore head-scarf and she didn’t. He seems genuinely interested in how this worked. The last time however, I mentioned I was a web designer, and the immigration guy went on to ask if it was lucrative and how he would get into that line of business. Clearly considering a career change!

6) I heard that Slumdog Millionaire won a bunch of awards. It was very good, although I am somewhat sick of “destiny” and love stories in general, so it made me slightly ill, but if you haven’t seen it, you definitely should.