Being ok: The story of me today

It was a pretty cold and rainy day in April when we came out of the therapist’s office, I was on the verge of tears (and a complete meltdown, although I had no idea that was in store for me), and the first thing he said to me as we headed to the car was “wow, you have issues!” I felt too much like I was in some sort of weird alternate reality to react to that comment.

Our marriage therapist, a West Indian woman herself, at first thought I was pretty funny and well adjusted. After a couple visits though, she sort of stood back, looked at me concerned and said “I don’t think you actually feel emotions”. I sort of wanted to laugh, because it sounded so ridiculous, but I also sort of wanted to sob, because it sounded so real.

After months and months of complete confusion, I slowly realized that I was one of those people whose hurt and sadness was buried so deep down inside that it was hidden from everyone, including myself apparently. It was the hardest time in my life. I wanted desperately to be back to “normal”. I wanted everything to just be “ok” again. To be honest, I wasn’t sure what I wanted. What I learnt though was that for most of my life I tried to be what I was expected to be, and I forgot what it was like to actually be me.

The separation was the result of a lot of discussions and consultations – I believe it was something that we really needed to do and I believe that neither of us has regretted the decision. I will not say that there is no way things can be resolved, I mean although we do have divorce papers about to be filed, life has shown me that nothing is impossible, nothing is black and white, and never say “never” (actually that last one, Sid taught me, but you know…). I have no idea how my life will end up, but I do know that at this point in my life, this is what I needed.

Sometimes people listen to me and wonder how I didn’t know I wasn’t actually feeling emotions and I really don’t know the answer. What I do know is that I worked a lot, I had a lot of “projects”, I always had to be doing something, I gained an excessive amount of weight, I overreacted for the littlest things, but didn’t react at all for other things, laughed a lot, made inappropriate-funny-mostly-to-me comments a lot and now I understand that I had to distract myself to unnatural levels just to survive, I had to make things funny so I didn’t feel the sadness, and repression/suppression of things usually causes very obvious weight gain and very bipolar-like behavior.

My friend said to me that she believes that we have to reach rock bottom before we’re brave enough to make the changes we need to for our lives to be better. Maybe that’s what happened, I don’t know. But the closeness and intimacy that I share today with my kids was not something that I’ve ever been able to experience before and no matter what I had to go through to get here, I’ll be eternally grateful. I now live my life with integrity, I know that I am being honest to the people in my life, to myself, and especially to my kids, who are so perceptive that they’ve noticed, and very much appreciate, the cosmic shift in my state of being.

During those really confusing days when I wasn’t sure what emotions really felt like, someone very important to me told me that “the situation we’re in should dictate how we feel”, and I think back now to that and it’s probably the worse bit of advice I’ve ever gotten. I think I do need to feel what I feel – I cannot be scared of my emotions, I cannot be ashamed of them – they are mine, part of who I am, and if I ignore them then I am losing myself. However, I don’t think we need to act on them. Our actions should be driven by faith, compassion, morality, humanity, our life experiences and lessons; but to say that our true feelings are not valid is like saying that we are not worthy of being a person.

It took me a long time to understand that I push people away because I didn’t want to have an emotional connection with anyone. It took some pretty amazing friendships to get me through some of the most difficult days of my life. It took an immense amount of soul searching to come to a place where I am comfortable with who I am. You know, happiness is elusive and transient, I am not sure any of us know what that feels like for more than just brief moments in our lives, but this feeling that I am living the life that I want to live, that I am living with integrity, that I am not pretending to be anything I am not, or feeling anything that I am not, this is better. I think this is what “being ok” feels like. And this, I like.

On mice and other pets

So. I got a lot of advice on how to get rid of the mice – I liked the cat idea because even if they do die its still a very natural occurrence (and I won’t feel like a murderer!), but I just can’t do pets, especially cats because they seem like they have too much attitude. I also attempted to use snake poo to keep them away but the guy at the pet store didn’t really want to give me any snake poo and he also said that in his “professional opinion”, that method would not work. I gave about 5 seconds of thought to using sticky strips to get them, because, they’ll get stuck and then what? Anyway. There it is… we called in the exterminator, sadly, and now I am a little depressed because I do feel like a murderer!

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t like them, I just don’t want to kill poor innocent beings – yeah, spiders and ants too – many of them pick up residence here, much to Sid’s chagrin. I am also not a tree-hugging, vegetarian type – I just don’t like unnecessary cruelty to any living beings.

When I was younger we had dogs and fish and birds… really! The dogs were always guard dogs and not really the kinds you play with, but my grandparents took really great care of them and we always treated them with kindness. After we stopped living with my grandparents, we tried to get a dog, but for some reason they always died after a few weeks, then the last one we had, “bengi”, died when he was a teeny, tiny cute little pup and we gave up on trying to get a dog – I think we were all traumatized. Then, when I was 18, I lived by my aunt for a while and they had the cutest little rottweiler, every time I came home from school he would sit on my shoe and pull at my laces, until one day I came home to discover that he was hit by a car and died.

I really, truly hoped that the mice would just exit the garage the way they came in! What would you guys do?

On turning over a new leaf, or something like that!

It was 1pm, and we were finally headed out to our small family picnic/get-together. My cousin stated the obvious said “so, it’s 1pm, and we were supposed to leave at 11?”, I decided that it was a good opportunity to point out that I was not the cause, “Hey… it was not my fault, I was ready on time – with my THREE kids!” Some people in the room may or may not have rolled their eyes at that statement but whatever, it was the truth.

“So” said Sid, “you were on time for once, now you know how the rest of us feel when we have to wait!” Amm, I am not always late, let me just say ok, and I do have the aforementioned THREE kids, and there was that one time about 3 years ago that I… anyway, that doesn’t matter now, my point is that I am not always late!

We were merrily driving along on our almost 2 hour journey, enjoying some Super Nibs when my mom discovered that I had a garbage bag in the car. “Wow, you have a garbage bag in the car??” exclaimed Sid, “and you were on time! Oh my god!”

Right. Hardi-ha-ha.

When we got there, it was really really nice, and serene, and all country-and-lake-like. My sister marveled at the beauty of our surroundings and at the fact that I had not forgotten anything, “Wow, you were organized too? So, you were on time, you had a garbage bag in the car, AND you were organized?”

“Aren’t I always?!” I really don’t know where she was going with those comments.

So, we came back to the cottage after a great day and we were all getting ready to leave when there was a slight alarm – apparently there was a toilet paper crisis…there was no more! “Oh, wait, I have some in the van”, I said, because, well, I do have THREE kids! And everyone rejoiced and agreed that I should have toilet paper, you know, with the kids and all that. I decided not to look in Sid’s general direction.

It was about 10:30-ish in the night and I was driving, and my mom said “you’re driving kinda slow, I think you should speed up”… in my defense, I was driving the speed limit! I think Sid almost had a heart attack – “So, you were on time, you had a garbage bag, you were organized, you brought toilet paper, AND mommy is telling you to speed up! WHO ARE YOU?!”

Yup… still alive

My sister informed me that I am operating in 2 modes these days, actually what she said was “when are you ever not busy or depressed?” And I said “huh. good point. I don’t know”. She also informed me that she noticed I never seem to really enjoy things, I just seem to rush through everything. And I said “huh. well, I guess I just like life to go by quickly.”

So… there you go. That’s basically been my life since I last posted.

More interesting stuff coming up though! Try not to fall off your seats in anticipation!

Life in points, again

1) So, I am reading this book by James Patterson, which I just happened to come across quite accidentally and surprisingly because I normally associate the author with murder and mystery and other things that I tend to avoid like the plague do not particularly enjoy reading about. Anyways, apparently at the time his son was 4 year old, Patterson was leaving on a business trip and his son said that he wasn’t going to be missed because “love means you can never be apart”. I thought, wow, pretty profound, and from a 4 year old!

2) By this time next year, I am thinking, I may possibly have no hair – no, not because of anything bad – just that it seems like I have literally half the amount of hair on my head now than I did a year ago (the other half is in my bedroom carpet, and other various places around the house). Slightly distressing.

3) I have to say again time really doesn’t heal anything! You know, just putting that out there. Does it seem to make things worse? Is that just me?

4) I spent the entire weekend doing no work. It was weird! I actually did have work planned, but after months of seemingly non-stop working and child rearing, I took a break and just felt so, umm, I don’t know, relaxed maybe, that I could not focus on doing anything that was even remotely tiring! I did play soccer for like 5 minutes with my 6 year old. I think I won. Really.

How are you guys? Reading anything good?