On pain and empathy, sort of

Um, hi. I am indeed still alive!

I have many things that I would actually like to write about, a parenting strategy post, something about separation and divorce, cute photos even, but, sadly, I am very busy doing other stuff, and when I am not doing “stuff”, I am happily eating and napping (read escaping life)!

I really want to say something deep and profound here. Actually I want to scream it. But, it’s sometimes hard to get the words in the correct sequence in order for them to make sense. Perhaps one day I’ll get them right.

In the meantime, you can read Baraka’s post on empathy and not being able to feel, because for a very long time (without my permission or knowledge) I was unable to feel anything. Apparently I lived life from my head, and not my gut. It was based very much on “doing the right thing”, survival strategies, pretty much anything I could use to justify my lack of feeling. I am sure I only survived because of my faith.

I know I didn’t feel because the day that I did “feel”, I had to ask Aunty Sid if feelings came with physical pain – physical pain like someone constantly punching me in the stomach – because I had no idea! And the months (and entire year) that I felt the pain that I had successfully avoided for so long had to be the longest months of my life, the most difficult, but also the months that gave me the most clarity, and turned me back into the person I truly am.

There is such a poetic beauty in pain. It’s the only way we can feel empathy. It returned me to my family, my friends, to people I really love, to myself. It makes clear what’s truly important in life, it made me realize that my life belongs only to my creator, that He is full of mercy, that we can depend only on Him, that His generosity and plan is amazing and just, although we may not understand the logistics of it right away.

I’ve realized that our biggest regrets comes not from embarrassing moments, but from pain that we cause the people we love, intentionally or unintentionally, and sadly for most of us, when we do finally realize this, it’s usually too late.

I don’t know how to end this post. Be brave enough to be true to yourself and the people you love, it’ll be the hardest thing you ever have to do, but it’ll be the most rewarding thing you will ever do.

Faith

Sometimes the planets align, or whatever they like to say, and good stuff happens.

It’s been quite a long time since we’ve had a family photo taken. The last one surely would have been worlds apart from the one above. It’s a funny thing with families, everything changes yet nothing changes. I guess that’s what love is all about.

We’ve all been through a heck of a lot, together, and as individuals in our own lives, just like everyone else. Yet, we laugh, we love, we keep living life. I do it because I have faith in Ar-Raheem, others do it for their own reasons.

I guess we all need to have faith in something so we don’t lose hope that there is some sort of order in the universe, in our lives, a purpose, a reason, a bigger plan.

PS. I have quite the blended family. This is one side of the whole.

PSS. If you comment and it disappears – I didn’t get it. My blog is randomly temperamental. Sorry :(

Surrendered

Or defeated, I am not sure which, but I’ve realized that this is how I feel. And I am not sure it’s an entirely bad feeling to be honest.

The “usual” me, although quite a believer in fate and ‘things happening as they are meant to’, would be quite perturbed over my lack of control with anything in my life. But now though, I feel, I think, resigned – I am not sure if I lost the urge to hope or care or I’ve just really accepted that the path planned by the Almighty is better and just, no matter how bleak it may appear at the moment. I’ve decided to believe it’s the latter.

I think in most religions there is the notion of tests and trials, and when we go through them, I think that we are forever changed, hopefully for the better. There were times that my faith was seriously shaken, never really lost, but perhaps just questioned, mostly at the times I reflected upon my life and was actually shocked by the reality of my situation. Those moments didn’t last very long though, they are fleeting, few and far-between, yet there.

Normal, I guess, are those feelings, I mean we all cycle through highs and lows, periods of faith and periods of disenchantment with everything. I’ve noticed that it’s the really small things that give us the strength to go on, like kids – they are quite the little miracles, a kind word from a friend, a smile from a stranger, genuine appreciation from a client.

I think it took a long time for me to find some kind of peace in my life, apparently peace is impossible to come by when we’re trying to figure out the mysteries of the universe, or, you know, the “whys” in our lives. Acceptance seems to work much better. Or just surrender, because life happens as happens.

Life, death, kids, iron-man

Radio: bla bla bla bla Iron Man 2 bla bla bla

Previously very quiet, kids #1, 2, 3 (in unison): When is Iron Man 2 coming out? When? When mommy?

Me: Well, I don’t know guys, they weren’t talking about the movie, they just said the name.

4 year old: What? Why? But when is it coming out then?

Me: Amm, like I said… I have no idea.

3 year old: Well, when is Spiderman 3 coming out?

I think I was close to a breakdown yesterday morning. Very close. There was a 2 inch think hard layer of ice and snow on my car, I was late for a meeting, I was late for taking one kid to school, the second one had diarrhea, the third had a flu and was a constant crying mess, the van doors were all frozen shut, the ice scraper was in the garage (because, hi – it’s April, altho, yes, I am aware I do live in Canada), and the garage door was also frozen shut. I became a sobbing mess in my car, out of breath and with frozen hands, while my kids watched me quietly. The good news though is that I recover very quickly, and usually am able to retain perspective.

Today I cried for little Maddie, who I don’t even know, but it’s amazing how the loss of this precious soul could bring together so many people, and help us all to be really grateful for what we do have.

You may want to call me morbid, but I do think about death a lot. I feel like I need to have a plan, just in case something happens. But mostly I feel like, I don’t want to have any regrets, I don’t want to feel like I didn’t say “I love you” enough, or hugged enough, or that I was angry to much for no reason, or that I should have showed my love more.

I often think life is to short for crap, and honestly I think it helps me keep focus on the important things – most of the time anyways. So, love a little more, argue a little less, and tonight hug your kids a little tighter.

The thing about Trinidad

Trinidad, although very beautiful and overwhelmingly “home”, was sadly not the same place I knew growing up. I felt strangely disturbed by how damaged everything seemed – even though the country has progressed an amazing amount, even though there is no shortage of shops, or impressive buildings, or luxurious homes, or, you know, “stuff” – I missed a lot it’s naturalness! For example, we went to 2 different beaches while we were there, only for a very short time, but both seemed so very mutilated, or timeworn, or maybe because I had not been there in 9 years, I had the opportunity to really notice the effects of our ill-treatment of this planet.

Also, I feel like I need to have a disclaimer on my photos from Trinidad – the true story is that my family were solely responsible for the awesomeness of the vacation, they were nothing short of spectacular to us, and are the reason that my kids tell me every single day that they wish they could live in Trinidad! (I really cannot thank them enough for everything!) However, it’s not the safest place to live… at every family event, there was security personnel at the gate… we were not allowed to venture anywhere without company… gates were locked at all times… after dark was not a time to be out alone… things that I take for granted everyday, like going to the drug store by myself at midnight, I could not even dream of doing over there.

This visit has been both euphoric and traumatic for me, all at once, to the extent that I still feel like I am “recovering”, or something like that.

I saw friends that I had not seen in almost 13 years, and it was wonderful to meet up and chat like we didn’t miss a beat, like high school ended yesterday and we met up over lunch to reminisce. It was almost crushingly sad to not see others who were very integral to my life back when I lived in Trinidad, as in my mind it is sometimes hard to differentiate between the land and my past life there.

What I know for sure is that I must, at some point in my life, God willing, live on an ocean-front, because there surely is nothing better than sitting on the sand early in the morning and watching the sun rise over the ocean.