On hurt

Quite randomly I was watching House a couple days ago. Now, the last time I watched House could have been something like 4 years ago. So, it was a strange coincidence that this episode happen to be about a woman who was not feeling emotions!

Anyway, they called her a psychopath. In my defense here, she was incapable of feeling emotions (because of some medical condition), while my mind/body/soul/little-elves-running-around-in-there decided to block all my emotions so that I wouldn’t feel anything. Ergo, I don’t think I was a psychopath, just a bit abnormal. Ahem.

At the end of the show, when she was “diagnosed” and healing, one of the doctors asked her how she felt, and she said “I don’t know, but it hurts!” That was a bit surreal for me because it’s exactly how I felt.

The thing about hurt, I realize, is that our minds seem to do everything it knows to block out feeling that particular emotion. I mean, no one likes hurt, but we don’t seem to react the same when it’s other dark emotions, like sadness, for example. In general, I think we can handle any emotion, good or bad, significantly better than we can handle hurt.

It seems that my defense against hurt is anger… I can deal with anger, it’s “my thing”… but sadly, no matter how much we try to hide from the hurt, or disguise the hurt, or how many years go by, it just does not magically go away. I learned that whatever we block out needs to be felt for us to be able to heal. That hurt has to be felt, no matter how excruciatingly painful it may be – we still need to feel it.

I think that I can now understand the saying “time heal all wounds”, I still don’t agree with it, but I understand it. Time is not necessarily healing – we have to first feel every single painful emotion, then actively work on finding some type of closure, and then eventually, after what may seem like an eternity, we feel better. Although, I don’t believe that hurt could ever go away, I mean, an appropriate trigger could probably bring back all the hurt, but you know, at least we’d know what to expect!

I don’t like to say that hurt makes us stronger, mainly because I had to be plenty strong to deal with the magnitude of everything I felt once I started feeling again, instead I believe it makes us better. I know that actually allowing myself to experience hurt made me better. Better in so many ways, especially being able to express love, I know that my kids are extremely appreciative of this difference, even if they are not able to articulate it. Mostly, now I finally feel like me again!

LIfe in points and the new year

So people, hope you have a great 2010!

I rang in the new year wrapped in a blanket at my mom’s house. I am not sure what exactly I have, but I am currently on antibiotics for it. At some point I know it was a sinus infection, and let me tell you, a Neti pot is wonderful! Seriously, like crack for people with sinus problems! Ahem, sid. So, anyway, back to the sinus infection, it was so bad that my forehead was swollen. Swollen forehead people! I am not certain I am feeling better, but at least the sinus headaches are gone.

Most interesting thing that happened to me this weekend was that, quite accidentally, I discovered that along with 7 other Canadian “mommy bloggers”, I was the subject of someone’s thesis. I was utterly fascinated.

I was in Miami for my sister’s wedding, no, not Sid, another sister… She was a gorgeous bride, and the wedding was beautiful. I thought it would be sad, because weddings now generally make me completely depressed, but it was just very happy and lovely.

And by the way, it’s about -20something degrees right now in Toronto, just in case anyone is interested!

What have you guys been up to?

To the brighter side

Sometimes I truly feel like I just want my life to fast-forward, to, I am not sure what, the end maybe? It feels as if it’s test after test and I really really want a rest. Sometimes.

But then, things happen like my almost 4 year old coming up to me with him wallet in his hand and says “mommy, you need money for your trip? well, here, you can have some of mine. how much do you need?” I think I almost broke down and started crying right there, except I was smiling and trying hard not to laugh and the unbelievable cuteness. I said, “baby, it’s 5 hundred dollars!” and he said “5 hundred dollars?! I cannot believe it!” And I tried harder not to laugh, then I opened his wallet and took out the US $1 bill and told him I was taking it because I would need that kind of money for my trip and then thanked him. He walked away very contented.

Can’t fast-forward. Just life each moment like it’s your last.

Have a happy holiday, whatever it is that you’re celebrating, and always share your laughter, love and happiness with those whom you treasure.

The 2 things I learnt about the truth

1) The truth eventually comes out, and 2) the truth really does set you free. Cliche, yes, I know… but true!

So, here’s the thing about living without a man – you tend to get any dude in your family that visits, or comes by to pick up something, or comes by to drop off something to do stuff around the house. Cuz seriously, I think this house may be falling apart.

Our long lost brother had to come change the toilet for us.

Anyway, Happy Thanksgiving to you Americans!

What “no regrets” actually means now..

A while ago another blogger and I met up and we talked a bit about the separation, the blocking out of emotions, and all of that. She then said that the posts I did on making my marriage work would give her hope, and if nothing I said was true?

It’s a hard question to answer. On the one hand, I was living my life from my thoughts rather than my feelings, and so I guess a lot of what I “thought” I felt wasn’t actually real, but on the other hand, those “marriage strategies” kept us married for a long time, regardless of the internal issues… so, I still don’t know the answer. I know a lot of people who have identified with my experiences. A lot of us do suppress things we’d rather not think about… not a lot of people get to the stage where they block out emotions entirely though, but it happens.

One of the most important things that I’ve learnt was that my whole having no regret mantra (and general “the sky is always blue” disposition) was a defense mechanism. It was my way of telling myself that no matter what happened, I was just going to make the most of it. Which is not entirely a bad plan, but now I realize that I do have regrets and it’s a good idea to acknowledge them.

It’s not that I would have done anything to change the way my life is today. There is too much good in my life, there is too much that I’ve gained, and there is too much that I cherish today to ever wish none of it happened. Every experience that I’ve had – good or bad – made me the person I am today.

What I wish I could take back are the times that I hurt people I care about – intentionally or unintentionally – I was so afraid of ever being hurt that I never allowed anyone to be in a position where they even thought they could hurt me. Anyway, the biggest regrets I think we ever have are the times we hurt people we love, and I think it’s good to recognize this so that we can either correct it, or just try really hard not to do it… because in the end, I think that’s what really matters. Just a reminder.

Happy Friday!

Smile and be happy!! – yeah, I am still a “look on the bright side” kinda person!