Love Thursday with the lovely Cakes

Love Thursday is back! Yay! And I have a really special guest post by one of my favorite blogging friends, Cakes, I am sure you regular readers know her well!! Please make her feel welcome!

After a lovely email conversation about our marriages, Shaz asked me if I would write a blog entry about my take on marriage. It feels weird being treated as almost an “expert.” Sometimes after talking to some other married couples, Chowder and I do frequently ask ourselves, “Are we just incredibly lucky or are we actually doing something really right?” And we don’t know. Here’s what we do know…We love each other beyond reason. We have sacrificed career climbing opportunities to keep our marriage and family at the forefront. We take very little seriously. We are in family therapy once a week. (Best $25 ever spent!) We make one another our priority. Does that mean we never fight or get resentful? no. We can take the world out on each other as much as the next guy, but we recognize it and we make things right.

What I am about to reflect upon in this essay assumes several things about a marriage. 1.) That their is no abuse (physical or emotional) and no control issues. 2.) That both parties want the marriage to succeed. 3.) That they love one another and want what is best for the other. Marriage is very complicated and each one is unique.

Every marriage has it’s own creation story. I love creation stories. I especially love marriage creation stories. The how you met, first impressions, introductions to families, song and dance of courtship, the proposal, the engagement, the wedding. I. love. them. I love the variety, the passion, the conflict, the goofiness, the vulnerability, the power of love, the commitment. I could listen to people’s marriage creation stories all day long. Because like any good creation story, a marriage creation clearly shows God’s love for us. The divine hand at work. They always have that feel of destiny.

But, just like the creation of the world, a marriage is not something that once created is done. You don’t go to bed after your wedding and think, “Good. We made a marriage!” and then set it up on a shelf with the other knick-knacks and works of art that are admired for their beauty and craftsmanship and only occasionally dusted and cherished because they are too fragile for everyday use. You know that vase that Aunt Petunia had? You know the one she fussed over and she’d yell at you and your cousins for being to rambunctious around? A marriage is not like that. Though I have seen many treated that way. Marriage is alive, and adaptable.

Marriage is more like a child. It has to be nurtured and prayed over. Dreamed with and disciplined. And though there are days you want to run from the crying baby, or jab hot pokers in your ears if your preschooler whines one. more. time. And though their are times when resentment grows and the exhaustion has about done you in, you know that that child. that marriage, holds the only key to bringing out your best, to filling you with more joy than you can almost bear.

So, where do we go wrong? And how can our creation story show us the way to get us back? The other powerful thing about a marriage creation story, is that it holds all of the strengths and weaknesses of us as individuals and as a couple. If I look back on Chowder and my creation story, I can see that both of us are in it for the long haul. We were friends for 11 years before we started dating. Chowder moved to Northern Ireland, I had a baby, Chowder went to seminary, but over and over we kept coming back to each other. Now, that we are finally together, we know we’re not going anywhere. This is a huge relief. We don’t ever have to worry about that. I don’t think that many couples have that confidence. That is our strength. I can also see throughout our creation, that Chowder and I can become extremely competitive. Most of the time we are able to channel that in fun ways. But when it’s bad? When we both slip into martyr roles? We get into misery competitions. Who is the least appreciated? the most persecuted? the most tired? the most frazzled? doing the most important work? Of course, nobody wins these competitions and sometimes they can go on for weeks if we’re not careful. That is our weakness. Once we have identified a weakness, we’ve found the best antidote is to use one of our strengths. And many times we have to “make-believe” we like each other, which ends up dropping us back into our real feelings of admiration. It really does work!

So, do yourself a favor. Go on a “Creation Story Date.” Go back to the place you first met, recreate your first kiss, have dinner where you had your rehearsal dinner, a cup of coffee in the hospital where you had your first child, rent your first date movie, whatever. I love when Chowder cooks these up for us! Go back to those feelings. Those people are still there. You haven’t really “lost” anything. You’ve maybe put it up on a shelf, but take it down, Baby! Dust it off. Use it. That’s why God created it for you in the first place. As a gift.

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What’s in your heart

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We went to the habitat for humanity information session today, it was nice, it was nice to know that so many people help one another in this world, it was nice because really, only when we connect with humanity we can feel real happiness.

Although I didn’t take part in Karen’s postcard swap this time around, sending someone a postcard to let them know that you thought about them can truly make that someone’s day… so go do that now! Or, you know, soon. Just don’t forget that it’s important to let the people you love and admire know how you feel about them.

I truly appreciate all of you!

Life

I love to watch cartoons, I really do, even before I was a parent, I was a big “Saturday morning cartoons” fan. Even after I was married, while my husband slept in, I enjoyed some of Disney’s finest! I love the innocence of shows made for little kids, the way that every problem has a wonderfully simple and obvious solution, the way that by the end, everyone is happy and everything is as it should be. You have to appreciate the shear simplicity of life from the eyes of a child, uncomplicated, fun, full of wonder and adventure, we should all keep living like that, no?

When I thought that I wanted to go back out to work recently, I think I really wanted a mental escape, I wanted a break from my thoughts, I just needed to get back to a sense of normalcy, I discovered (thanks to all of your much appreciated advice) that I really love the opportunity that I have in being home with my kids. I remember that one of the things that I hated about the corporate world was the lack “real” purpose and I vowed when I left that I would do something really worthwhile with my life. If I could, I would volunteer to be a part of Unicef, or as an international aid worker, my heart really belongs with the people that suffer in this world, but since I can’t exactly physically help in Darfur, I decided to do something for those less fortunate a little closer to home.

Life is a journey, it surely takes us on unexpected paths, at times it serves us the most staggering trials, but I think if we live with mercy, compassion, and faith, we don’t really need too much more. You know, if you’ve felt love from a child, you’ll know that it’s the most sincere, most genuine, perfect love there ever was… if we live our life loving like this, I am sure the world would be an amazing place.

I’ve stopped watching the news, for the sake of my sanity, but sometimes I can’t help but read about it and I just feel mentally drained, perhaps like most other Muslims like me here in the west, I don’t really have anything to say on the topic, I just wish that people (all people) would learn that anger gets us no where, and revenge is a ridiculous notion.

Hope you a happy new year my dear friends.

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On love, life, and friendship

More than a decade ago when I left the place of my birth, I left feeling confused and scared, but also somewhat excited at the possibilities, with hopes of amazing adventures and new experiences. What I didn’t expect was the sadness that didn’t seem to go away. I remember my first day at university, I was lost, overwhelmed slightly, and as I looked around at all the strangers that surrounded me, I felt completely alone.

Today I stumbled upon old, forgotten letters and cards from the friends that I left behind. I read them with a mixture of sadness and awe. I read them and knew that the the thoughts they held within got me past many of my fears and helped me find my smile on more than a few occasions. Sadly, I am certain that I have never thanked any one of them for thinking of me.

Eventually the letters stopped coming, we all moved on, we found friendship elsewhere, but I am sure the love and the memories will always remain.

My life in Canada has surely been awesome, I love almost everything about Canada, but there was never a time that I didn’t feel the emptiness. At 30, I am learning that friendships can last a lifetime, and no matter where we go and what we do and who we end up with, the people who grew up with us, shared our secrets, encouraged us, supported us, and truly loved us, will remain in our hearts forever.

(guess which one was me!)

Feel like a good cry?

I don’t watch many movies, and I especially don’t write about movies, but The Notebook, yes – released in 2004 (I did say I don’t watch a lot of movies!), was so good I just have to write about it!

A few nights ago, my husband went out with a couple of friends, and since it was just me (the kids were sleeping), I decided to watch the “chick flick” that my sister lent me. I don’t know if it’s just me, or if the movie was that good, but I was crying almost throughout the entire thing! The story was so sad, but also so sweet, and it’s the kind of love that we all probably wish to have. If you haven’t seen it – you really should! It’s a nice “mommy escape”