Stress relief and looking a little too young

Today, I re-registered at a fitness center where I was once a member, you know… waaaay back when I actually thought I would lose my pregnancy weight, it’s part of my getting back to me plan, and incidentally, I wore those same shoes to work out, because, just between me and you, I kinda miss them!

So, I was there re-registering with the Fitness Lady, who was pretty awesome, and no, not just because she thought I looked “good”!

Fitness Lady: and how old are you?

Me: almost 30

Fitness Lady: WOW!! Don’t you look young, I was going to ask if you were still in school! You MUST get that a lot though.

Me: haha, yes, actually I do.

Fitness Lady: well, you look good!

Me: [*fake smile] thanks! (I soooooo do NOT look good people! Like a 16 year old, perhaps, but not a “good-looking” 16 year old!)

Fitness Lady: so, what’s the main reason for joining?

Me: well, I have 3 kids, and I work from home

Fitness Lady: OK, so I’ll just write “NEEDS ESCAPE!”

It made me laugh too!

And also… Wow!! Excellent post!

Of bookstores & kids

As part of our adventures, we took a little trip to a bookstore (adventurous move for my husband and I!) and I just could not believe how much I really missed bookstores! The experience was almost surreal for me, I just wanted all my kids to disappear for a few hours so I could be alone!

I also found a wonderful brand of journals, read about it at the art journal blog.

Don’t panic, I’ve got you covered

Occasionally, and mostly at nighttime, I feel like I am dying – no, not in an ‘inevitably’ kind of way, but in a ‘right-this-instant’ kind of way.

This past weekend when I thought I was actually having a heart attack, I decided to pay attention to my feelings and visit a doctor, who diagnosed that I am in fact suffering from anxiety and not heart disease.

It was in many ways a huge relief to hear this news, not only because of the obvious reasons, but also because not having any answers was really just adding to my anxiety and making matters worse. It was also a tremendous comfort to know that I was not the only one that was experiencing this (as I felt slightly stupid about my ‘fake’ heart attack), and thanks for all of your comments and emails!

I am feeling 100% better, and not because my problems have been solved, but because I finally understand what is happening to me.

The interesting thing that I discovered was that the anxiety is not necessarily brought on by stress, I mean, it can be caused by stress and workload, but I think that it depends on how each individual person handles stress or workload – I think that the anxiety comes because of things in our lives that we feel are our responsibility, but that we are perhaps overwhelmed by. In many cases when the anxiety is caused by workload, I think it is because the person does not completely enjoy and/or understand the work, leading not only to stress, but also to panic.

My panic is not caused by my workload, I don’t think, because I really enjoy my job, and to me, it is almost therapeutic to lose myself in a website design or a challenging project, even my writing is a point of emotional release for me, and because I love these things, although they may become stressful at times, I don’t feel the anxiety.

I know the cause of my panic attacks, and I am doing everything that I can to find a solution, but sometimes I forget that I am not the one in control. Looking back at all of times that I have felt this way, I realize that those were the moments where I felt like it was my duty to solve all our problems but I didn’t know the answers, all I knew was that I couldn’t do it – that I was failing, which of course led to feelings of insecurity and panic. Often the feelings would just sneak up on me, at times when I felt like I wasn’t thinking about anything, but of course feelings of insecurity and failure do not leave us, they remain and linger, just waiting for us to let our defenses down…

When discussing possible treatments, medication like Zoloft often comes up, and although I know that there are people who need it (some years ago, it helped my mom), I don’t think I am in need of medication at this stage, instead I am opting to employ some self-care strategies.

My first defense mechanism is meditation, and for Muslims this usually comes in the form of prayer – it does help the most, at least for me. Secondly, I am trying to keep up with the squash, or I think any form of physical activity, but the reason I am so in love with squash is because it is a competitive game and provides a welcome escape from the somewhat dehabilitating (I know that this is not a real word) thoughts that fill my head.

Thirdly, I love crafty things, so I am trying to just do things that I enjoy, and sometimes I even include the kids! Today for example, I spend an hour outside coloring the patio stones with chalk – coloring is somehow very relaxing for me. I also started to do art journaling, which is somewhat akin to scrapbooking but without the expense and the stress of having to create with perfection, but more like free expression of thoughts in a visual form, and again the process is very relaxing – I also bought journals (from the dollar store) for my kids so we occasionally work on it together. [a more detailed post about art journaling later]

Here is some more information about anxiety and panic attacks, there is also some other suggestions for self-care.

How are you dealing with the panic?

Feel like a good cry?

I don’t watch many movies, and I especially don’t write about movies, but The Notebook, yes – released in 2004 (I did say I don’t watch a lot of movies!), was so good I just have to write about it!

A few nights ago, my husband went out with a couple of friends, and since it was just me (the kids were sleeping), I decided to watch the “chick flick” that my sister lent me. I don’t know if it’s just me, or if the movie was that good, but I was crying almost throughout the entire thing! The story was so sad, but also so sweet, and it’s the kind of love that we all probably wish to have. If you haven’t seen it – you really should! It’s a nice “mommy escape”

Escape

When I look at my kids, it’s usually with love, usually I see little gems, little miracles, precious little faces looking back at me with adoration. Usually.

Yesterday I gave another mom some advice to get out of that “nobody understands the mother” mood. I tried to sound like I was so together and totally knew what I was talking about, only I feel the same way. Kind of.

There are those moments when I just want to scream at everyone in my house, I just wish for some peace, some alone time, not alone time with my husband, but just with me. I wish not to hear the constant nattering of kids, the “mommy, he hit me!”, “mommy, he’s touching your stuff!”, “mommy! I don’t like you!”, the times I just don’t want a hug, or even to be touched, or spoken to. You know, alone, is it even possible?

I can see myself drowning in depression sometimes, the lows are very low, and last so much longer than the highs. Since I’ve felt this sadness before, I am able to stop myself. Almost.

Finding my escape is difficult at times, like when I put the kids to bed and then they end up in the office with me 5 minutes later, like when my mommy-senses have shut off for the day but the kids clearly didn’t get the memo. Peace seems a million miles away, especially when anger is right there tempting me. Daring me.

It would be so easy to blame everything on my husband, because really, men have no concept of the pains of motherhood, or the strain of being called wife and daughter in law, the utter emotional exhaustion that comes from being ecstatic one moment and miserable the next. Can I blame it on hormones?

My escape can come in the form of a shower, pretending that I have some really urgent work and leaving my kids with my husband, or like today, just going to pick up my eldest son at school and going out with just him for a bit. Granted, the last one was not my idea of ‘me’ time, but sometimes we have to make the best out of what we have. I guess.

Small escapes can be refreshing if we allow them to be. How do you get your little escape in the day?