My life in points #2001

1) I started driving to the “day job”, instead of taking the train because I only go into the office 2 days a week and the timings involved in taking the train may possibly push me over the edge right now, so…

I realized that I am an emotional driver, and by that what I mean is, my driving style totally depends on my mood. On days that I am particularly emotionally frustrated, I seem to suffer from chronic must-change-lanes-as-much-as-possible-so-I-never-have-to-stop-or-slow-down disorder – it’s so bad sometimes that I actually feel like I am in one of those speed racing games. On days that I am content-ish, I drive like, umm, I don’t know… slow! And when I say slow, what I mean is a little over the speed limit and I actually do not mind traffic.

PS. The best compliment (and yes, I like to this about it as a compliment!) I ever got about my driving was “wow, you could drive in India!” har har

2) Gas is so expensive, I am not sure that I make enough to actually afford this drive to work!

3) I am currently watching my middle child play dominoes (while I make dinner) all by himself – his choice, while the other 2 play living room hockey. It’s like the middle child is just destined to be different, and, umm, apparently left out, no matter how much we try stop that from happening.

4) It’s June people – June! And there is an exclamation mark because this morning was freezing cold! Please warmth, come back!

5) I have so much work right now, I am not sure if to be super happy, or just sit and cry. Well, I usually do my best work when I have tight deadlines and too much work, but it’s a bit scary right now being a single parent and all that. I don’t want to extend myself too much, but at the same time, this is my livelihood so…

6) I have no bedtime routine anymore. And this is neither here nor there, but I’ve made this discovery that I either fall asleep when I put my kids to bed, or I just work until I really must sleep and then I just literally drop into a little corner of my bed. It’s a bit bizarre and it took me a while to actually realize that I was doing this, but if I make a conscious decision to sleep, I’ll just lie there for hours and not be able to sleep! Is that like a sickness or something??

Ok… if you read all of that, I love you!

Officially 5, second edition

5 years ago, I spent 2 months living in a hospital room waiting for this little guy, listening to his heartbeat every single day, seeing his little squished up body every week, and hoping he’ll get big enough, developed enough, and “ready” enough to be ok when he came into the world prematurely, as I knew was inevitable.

I had the strangest experiences during that time. I was rolled around on a bed, where I had to lie and wait for my turn with the ultrasound gal (I later begged for a wheel chair instead because that rolling around in a bed thing was just freaky). I taught a new nurse the tricks of the fetal monitor and belly straps. I discovered that nurses use MSN messengers to chat while at work. I would be awake at 3am sometimes, just strolling around the corridors (secretly because I was not really allowed to do that too much), and I would admire the teeny tiny babies, who all seemed to be awake at that time!

Everyone commended me on my patience – which to be totally honest is not really my thing. But perhaps it was training for life with my middle child! He seemed to have inherited my most aggravating traits, and as I try to correct his ways, I can’t help but think this is payback for my own parent-aggravating-behavior as a child, or ahem, an adult.

But he’s absolutely the most loving, selfless child. He’ll willingly give up any toy to his brothers (who both usually take horrible advantage of this), if either of his brothers, or pretty much anyone, is upset, he quite literally cannot handle it, he is a very empathic soul. He gives the best hugs, and most of the times is still willing to do so every single time I ask him, regardless of what he’s doing. Every night I have to hold his hands to sleep, and I put my face really really close to him which makes him smile the biggest smile, and I say “you’re my favorite middle son”, and then he smiles even more!

Be your own person

I love to listen to my kids talk amongst themselves; it’s how I learn that siblings have a language all their own, and realize that the warmth I feel inside is from knowing that they are growing, understanding that they can depend on one another, trust one another, and protect one another.

My eldest, yesterday, in the middle of a conversation with the 4 year old said to him, “you must be your own person!”, and I smiled to myself upon hearing those words, as it’s become almost a mantra in our house. You see, I realized a while ago that my 4 year old was in danger of becoming infected with one of the worse parts of the somewhat-mythical-but-all-too-real middle child syndrome, the part that I like to call “what he said” – you know, where the younger sibling just decides that being a shadow of the eldest is the grand sum of his life’s ambition.

I could see that he was falling into the trap of fearing that his opinions were not good enough, that if he was different from his brother that we would somehow love him less, I could see him becoming unsure of himself, questioning his own thoughts, even at his age. I now ask him specifically what he thinks before I ask my eldest, I now have long talks with him, well long-ish talks, and above all else, I’m trying to stress to each of them the importance of being your own person.

I’ve started to notice a change in my middle child, a new confidence, the charismatic smile that he often flashes my way, a fearlessness to disagree with his brothers, a refusal to be bullied, and a passionate dislike for injustice, which is fitting because his name actually means justice.

I’ve never been one to succumb to peer pressure, in fact, I think being different is one of my defining characteristics. Some may call me “crazy”, some may make fun, some may just not understand, and sometimes even I wonder why I have to always be different, but when I look at my kids and realize that they are accepting of the differences in all of us, that they are comfortable being themselves, that they are beginning to display a level of confidence I’m sure I never had as a child, I know that “being your own person” is a mantra worth learning.

Officially 4, second edition

I forgot to mention that my middle child is now officially 4 years old… well, 4 years and 1 week old… the fact that I forgot to blog about it has nothing to do with him being the middle one, I promise! I may possibly have just been sleeping through everything – last week is sort of a blur, I only remember being exceptionally exhausted! Maybe I’ll tell you why sometime, if I remember…

Happy Birthday kid!

Currently resisting the urge to lock him in a closet!

I’m kidding, of course! Sort of.