Kids in separation and divorce

I was watching Grey’s Anatomy yesterday and I felt myself totally agreeing with Miranda and the separation speech that she gave her dad. (For those of you that don’t know the show, well, she is separated and she talks about how she didn’t want her son growing up and having basically a bad marriage as an example of what love is. And I totally agree.)

I was a child of divorce so I know first hand what it’s like. I’ve also lived without one of my parents for about 20 years, so I know what that’s like. But the worst part for me, the part that left the most scars, the part that affected me the most, was the part where they were living in a bad marriage. I don’t think that people realize that bad marriages sometimes scar kids so much more than divorce, and it’s not so much even the act of divorce, but the ugliness that it often brings out in people.

During the first days of the separation, it was of extreme importance to us that the kids were affected the least amount possible. I talked to them constantly about the situation, and what I realized is that first and foremost they were concerned about our well-being. Just like us, they worry, they want us to be well and happy. They want us to be together, sure, but much, much more than that, they need us to be ok.

It was amazing to me to experience how they were able to notice and appreciate the changes in me – my eldest especially, as he used to ask me constantly if I was ok prior to the separation, even at times when we were “happily married”, and of course I always said I was, now he never asks me! We can sometimes pretend so much that we fool the world, and even ourselves, but somehow our kids just know the truth of our feelings, they are perceptive like that.

The second thing that they want is a home (read stability). Its hard for them to truly wrap their minds around such a huge change and we don’t get a chance to address everything they are worried about because most of the times we don’t know what they are thinking, but I asked and they we worried that they wouldn’t have a home anymore. We reassured them that they would still have this home, and that’s another thing that’s best for kids, especially little ones, that they remain in their home; that they have stability. In our case it was possible for us to do that, but even if just for a short time after the separation, it’s important so that they don’t feel abandoned.

Thirdly, they should never feel like they are losing a parent. We felt it was important for them to see where their daddy was moving to. They would feel much more comfortable if they could see for themselves that he does in fact have a bed to sleep in and food to eat… they worried about that. The very first day of the separation, their dad was able to take them to where he was staying and let them spend some time over there with him, so they were reassured that he was ok and that he was not leaving them. It needs to be made extremely clear to kids, and not verbally, but they need it to be shown/proven that they still have access to the parent that’s not around at any time and that the parent is not leaving them or leaving because of them. I feel like we were able to do that and I can see that the kids are confident that their daddy did not leave them and they are happy that he is good.

Fourthly, allow them to feel whatever they need to feel. Acknowledge and accept their emotions as valid, don’t make the mistake of telling them “don’t be sad” or “don’t cry” – let them be sad, it’s a sad situation, it’s very sad. They will feel a range of emotions and they won’t be sure how to deal with them, and we’re here to help them through anything they are feeling, but we have to allow them their emotions. I sat with my kids on the first day when they came back from their dad’s house, it was one of the hardest moments of my life, I held them, I answered their questions, I allowed them to cry, and then they felt settled, they were comfortable, they knew that all they had to do was ask and I’d call him for them.

You know, people have the misconception that life should always be happy, that our kids should always be happy, but I think if we focus too much on that we aren’t making sure our kids are able to cope with all the complexities of life – it’s rarely ever happy! And I feel like I am giving them the tools they need to function as healthy, stable, compassionate individuals in the future. And least I hope to God that I am.

I am sure I made many mistakes, and I will continue to do so, but I am trying my best in the situations that I am given, and I think that’s the most any of us can do. Separation and divorce is not easy and requires an extreme amount of thought and consideration, but it’s not the end of the world, for parents, or for kids. We can always choose to do the right thing – you’ll know it’s right cuz it’ll be hard! The “right” thing is rarely easy, but in the end, it’ll make you a better person, and it’ll make those around you happier because they’ll be sure that you’re truly OK.

How to have a party for boys

Firstly, and I cannot stress the importance of this step, enlist some guys to assist in the planning and execution! We got my cousins to help us out and they did a fantastic job…to be quite honest, I think they were also very excited for the party! Also, ensure you enlist enough help. We ended up having 2 kids per adult, which was probably a lot, but it worked out really well.

Secondly, timing is really important, we did 2pm to 5pm, because these are 5-7 year olds and it’s not a time that they should be super hungry or sleepy or really-parent-needy and 3 hours is a totally manageable amount of time.

Picking a theme

Initially we thought that it would be a boys-only type shindig, so we came up with the only natural theme for my boys and their friends – a Superhero party of course, but then we had a few girls who came as fairies and princesses, so in the end it was a superhero/dress-up party, but it all worked out.
We took suggestions from the kids for some other themes, and “pirates” was pretty much the unanimous response!

Choosing activities

Now, here is where things can fall apart…Sid and I thought we could do some crafts with the boys or coloring in their “downtime”, you know, it worked rather well for the tea party. My cousins laughed. Out loud, actually. And then, we decided to just pass over activity planning to them! In the end though, we had a bit of a compromise between crafts and running wild around the house shooting nerf guns at one another.

It was raining, so we had only indoor play… first we divided them into teams, which helped a lot to keep things under control, then they played some sort of made-up game resembling living room hockey, but not quite, then charades, then they had a lego-racers-build-off competition.

There was also “make your own sundae” and a pinata for good measure.

Food and snacks

We kept it super simple and fool-proof… cheese pizza! There were discussions about having healthy snack choices, like broccoli, cucumber and carrot sticks, but in the end, we had chips, cookies and juice. Kids don’t eat that much at parties evidently.

Loot bags

I don’t like loot bags that’s full or stuff that break after 5 seconds, so I totally avoided dollar-store stuff as much as possible. We put candy, of course… kit kats, twizzlers, nibs, smarties, lollipops, rockets (everything was nut-free, as well as in their original packaging), then pencil/sharpener and a hot wheels car. I think it was a good combination of goodies.

We served them the sundaes right at the end of the party! Just in time for their parents…

Motherhood, Employment, Freelancing: Is “Balance” still possible?

When I decided to find a real job back in April, there were a few things I knew that I did not want. I earnestly applied to one job, I went on one job interview, and luckily it matched all of my criteria. They offered, I accepted, and I’ve been really enjoying most of it since. The one thing about working outside my house that really frustrates me is that I cannot be there for my kids like I used to when I was working from home. Adjusting to working full time as a mother was hard, and even switching up my schedule didn’t seem to make things better!

My contract ended last month – the full time one – I renewed it to be part-time instead. Here’s how I am making it work, for now at least.

1) Great Boss
For me, having an understanding manager is key. It’s important to have a good relationship – he knows that I’ll get the job done when I need to, and so he lets me have the time off that I need. Of course coffee and treats does not hurt as bribery a show of appreciation!

2) Flexibility
I’ve changed my schedule so many times that everyone at work now ask “so, when are you in again?”. But I needed to see what timings work best for my kids and I, so it’s been sort of a work-in-progress. I am lucky in that my work does not require me to be physically in the office, or be there at specific times, so I am able to have a lot of flexibility.

3) Choose a part-time position
A full-time job was just not working for us, I had very little time with the kids daily and it really bothered me. Most evenings when we came home, I had just enough time to wash them and put them to bed! I would have to trust their word on things like homework and hunger. I didn’t like that mode of operation. With a part-time arrangement, I now can spend my evenings with them, I make sure that they’re fed, I check through their school work, I can listen to their stories, I can read with them and to them, and I am not exhausted all the time!

4) Commute
Be careful with your commute. Sitting in traffic is slightly infuriating to me and is really not something that should even be a possibility when time is so precious. I chose to commute with a train because I can relax and unwind – it’s 40 minutes of “alone-time” each way. It means I don’t have to rush anywhere or for anything, I can calmly read or just “chill”! If you do enjoy driving however, then you should do that instead – I think it’s important that our commute is something that we can, in some way at least, enjoy, because it may end up being the only time alone that we get to have all day.

5) The actual “job”
For me, right now, a job that is low stress and easy trumps “challenging”. I love being able to interact with my co-workers, I love being in T.O., I love the city, so the perks are definitely there for me, they are just different from what I might have looked for 7 years ago.

6) On freelancing
In addition to working part-time hours, I’ve also cut down the number of days that I go out to work. A couple days a week I stay at home, mostly to care for my almost 3 year old, but also so that I work on my freelance web development jobs. It works out quite well because I just need 1 contract a month to earn the same amount of money as working full-time. If you can find something to do at home to supplement your part-time income, I think it’s an excellent way for parents with young kids especially, to get the best of both worlds, so to speak.

7) “It’s all good”
Being a working mom, and now a single mom, I’ve realized that routines are like my sidekick and nemesis, all in one. Routines are so important for me and for the kids – to keep me sane, to keep them knowing what to expect – but everyday seems to be chuck full of new frustrations and challenges, and require emergency routine changes, so you know, we learn to “go with the flow” and all that! I’ve realized something very important, things manage to work themselves out in time, and we really just need to be patient, and learn to let things be sometimes.

8) Support
Last but not least, make sure that you have a reliable support network. My sister and mom are awesomely awesome in terms of support to my kids and I, and I’ll be eternally grateful for them! And the friends who really seemingly came out of nowhere, but are now so integral to my finding “happiness”!

In general, as parents, we all have to manage a lot, but it’s important that in addition to taking care of our kids, we take care of ourselves. Our moods tend to affect our kids’ behavior, and although we can’t always be in a fantastic mood, just reminding ourselves that hardship only lasts for a finite period seems to help a bit. Also helpful is spending a few moments each day to do something just for yourself, making sure that you try to eat meals on time, things like that – generally try to stay healthy and I think that you’ll notice it goes a long way in the “better mood” department!

What is the problem?

Last week at the conference I attended, there was a session on “getting clients to yes”, or just generally how to treat and work with clients. Most of the strategies suggested were things that I already do. The one point that I always feel is most important when working with clients, and anyone in general, is not being negative; more specifically though, trying to find solutions rather than problems.

You know in interviews when people ask your “strength”, I think mine would be problem-solving. I really detest when anyone just declares that a particular problem has no solution and “nothing can be done”. Oh, my hatred for that phrase! Anyway, I think that it’s critical, especially when working with your clients, to find solutions that work well for both them and you. And there is always a solution! What I did not actually realize with such clarity until yesterday, is that this is also a mindset we need to have when dealing with our kids.

For the past few days I’ve noticed that my son has been coming home with a full juice box, and I would inquire about this with him, asking if he was drinking water at school, or if he preferred water now. He still liked apple juice but he just didn’t want it for school anymore. I kept leaving the same one juice in his lunch bag anyways, reminding him to drink his juice if he was thirsty. I don’t usually see them until later in the night, so I don’t know, personally, what they are like after school – are they very hungry, tired, thirsty – you know, their general state.

So yesterday I did pick them up after school and that same son asked for juice, repeatedly. At home he drank his same juice box and then a cup of water – all of it. Clearly the kid was thirsty. “Kid,” I said, “how come you don’t drink your juice at school anymore?” He shrugged. “Do you drink water with your lunch at school?” I prodded. “Noooo, only when I am done.” he sort of absentmindedly sing-songed the answer. “Hey, listen to me. Why don’t you drink your juice at school?”, and finally he said “I can’t finish all of it.”

It turned out that the teachers at school encourage them to finish all of their food and drink, but because he felt like he could not finish his juice, he just decided not to drink it anymore. I said “would you like it if I gave you a smaller juice box that you can finish?”, he said yes, and our problem was solved!

I think sometimes, as parents, we assume that we know the problems facing our kids, and then try to advise them according to those, sometimes erroneous, assumptions. When a client makes a suggestion to me about a website change, I ask “why”, maybe not directly, depending on the client, but I will try to find out the underlying reason because there may be a better solution once I can understand the problem fully. Just so with kids I feel, its not enough to accept their solutions without discovering their actual predicament.

Be your own person

I love to listen to my kids talk amongst themselves; it’s how I learn that siblings have a language all their own, and realize that the warmth I feel inside is from knowing that they are growing, understanding that they can depend on one another, trust one another, and protect one another.

My eldest, yesterday, in the middle of a conversation with the 4 year old said to him, “you must be your own person!”, and I smiled to myself upon hearing those words, as it’s become almost a mantra in our house. You see, I realized a while ago that my 4 year old was in danger of becoming infected with one of the worse parts of the somewhat-mythical-but-all-too-real middle child syndrome, the part that I like to call “what he said” – you know, where the younger sibling just decides that being a shadow of the eldest is the grand sum of his life’s ambition.

I could see that he was falling into the trap of fearing that his opinions were not good enough, that if he was different from his brother that we would somehow love him less, I could see him becoming unsure of himself, questioning his own thoughts, even at his age. I now ask him specifically what he thinks before I ask my eldest, I now have long talks with him, well long-ish talks, and above all else, I’m trying to stress to each of them the importance of being your own person.

I’ve started to notice a change in my middle child, a new confidence, the charismatic smile that he often flashes my way, a fearlessness to disagree with his brothers, a refusal to be bullied, and a passionate dislike for injustice, which is fitting because his name actually means justice.

I’ve never been one to succumb to peer pressure, in fact, I think being different is one of my defining characteristics. Some may call me “crazy”, some may make fun, some may just not understand, and sometimes even I wonder why I have to always be different, but when I look at my kids and realize that they are accepting of the differences in all of us, that they are comfortable being themselves, that they are beginning to display a level of confidence I’m sure I never had as a child, I know that “being your own person” is a mantra worth learning.