For Better or Worse.

I wish that I could go through one day without shouting at my kids. Shouting at them to stop fighting, to stop screaming, to stop climbing, to stop running. I wish.

I wish to be a stay at home mom for better or worse?

I love it that I can prepare and serve my kids all their meals, and I love it even more when they actually enjoy it. I adore the time just before their midday naps when I hug them and give them kisses and tell them little jokes that make them laugh and laugh. I enjoy listening to them talk to each other, they are really funny together, the 2 year old asking question after question, and the almost 4 year old trying to answer each one… until he eventually gets fed up!

But. Isn’t there always a but though.

But I am tired, I am exhausted, and I feel like I am struggling to be a real mom. I want to be the mom that reads bedtime stories, that teaches them about science and math, that encourages their creativity and imagination. And I think that I used to be that mom. Maybe it is just the added stress of having a baby added to the mix, but I wonder if I would be a better mom if I was not a stay at home mom. I wonder if spending time each day at work, away from my babies, would help be to appreciate the time with them more.

I feel like at the end of the day nothing is accomplished, yet I am tired. I am confused. Am I a failure? I look at them sleeping in their beds after a long day and wonder if I could have done things differently. I want them so much, I want to be with them, I want to have them, I want to love them. I want to teach them, I want them to love learning, I want them to see the beauty in the world, I want them to make a difference. But I question my ability as a mother.

Am I being the mom that I want my kids to remember when they have their own kids?

I don’t know for sure that I want them to remember a short-tempered, shouting, ball of nerves…

Some of us can be amazing stay at home moms, home-schooling moms even, and some of us can be awesome working moms, and I guess I still have to find the balance that works for me. But I know that for better or worse, I love being a mom.

Hate Fridays.

Do you think that if I follow up Love Thursdays with Hate Fridays it will negate my Love Thursday participation?

Ok, so hate is perhaps too strong of a word, but having a 2 year old screaming “mommy, mommy, mommy” DIRECTLY INTO your ear. while still sleeping because said 2 year old was screaming “mommy bed, nooooo, mommy bed” last night, and refused to go to sleep even after he was in mommy’s bed… can bring out some very strong feelings in a person.

And in spite of my sleepiness, I am blogging… because it is easier for me to hide behind my laptop screen than to look at the maniacs that are screaming and running in circles directly in front of my bed! And as the noise level in our room gets to a new high, I do feel guilty for not taking them downstairs so my partially sleeping husband, who worked through the night and only went to sleep at 4am, could get some un-disturbed sleep, but here I am… still typing!

Leaving my comfy bed and going downstairs means that my day has officially started… I don’t think I am ready… I wish that someone else can make breakfast, I wish someone else can talk to the kids, I wish someone else can listen to them, I kinda wish right now that someone else can be mommy… just for a little while, just while I sleep a little more….

Now to the baby, who thinks that the laptop belongs to him, and moving his hand off the keyboard causes a reaction in him similar to perhaps taking the TV remote control away from a man sitting in front of a TV.

And lastly, my husband, who is not even mad at me for not taking them downstairs… seriously… makes me feel even more guilty…

Now that I vented and am feeling better… I really do love being a mom, and appreciate everything I have, and here is my Hate Fridays photo to prove it…

Love Thursday & 'the noise'

Here is my Chookooloonks Love Thursday photo… my husband and his dad (bapa) taking the kids out for a drive.

And now, about the noise…

We were having dinner one night and we heard a weird, but familiar ‘noise’, and as we were looking at one another around the table, my 2 year old proudly exclaims “Dat mine bottom!”

Super home-schooling mom, I am… or am I?

Remember those days before you had your first, newborn baby? You were going to be super mom, the best mom ever, you were going to succeed where your mom failed, you were not going to make all those mistakes that other moms make, you had those pregnancy newsletters coming to your inbox every week, you were going to rule the world… ok, maybe not rule the world, but you were going to me the best mom the world had ever seen… seriously… remember that?

I was going to be super mom, determined to prove my mother wrong… I mean, there was no way any of my kids were going to end up sleeping in our bed… yeah, right… Although in my defense, my first born did sleep in his own crib, in his own room for a whole 3 months!!

In my super mom days, I was sure that I would home-school my kids, I mean its the only option, right? I would know they were safe, I could give them more attention than a public school teacher, I would make sure they had a play group to socialize… yeah, I had it all planned out, it would be super!

Fast forward to reality, and my almost 4 year old is almost ready for school, ready to be taught by a super teacher!

Sadly, it turns out that I am not super mom. I am tired. I have LOTS of headaches. I sometimes eat chocolate for lunch. I sometimes let my kids eat chocolate for lunch (occasionally). I am glad that my 4 year old is going OUT OF THE HOUSE for school. He’s glad too.

I am a little nervous about it, and scared that my first born is leaving his home and his mom for the first time, and I think that although he is excited and happy, he is also scared. Its only natural.

As much as I do look forward to the decreased fighting, decreased screaming, decreased running, jumping, and just all round craziness, I will miss my baby…

So here we are… next week Tuesday we will embark on a whole new phase of our family life.

What are your thoughts about home-schooling versus public school?

Watch what you say.

Four year olds do not have a lot of patience… (shocking discovery, I know… ) especially when waiting in line for a turn on the mini bumper boats.

Almost 4 year old: I can’t wait, I can’t wait, I just CAN’T wait!

Daddy: Why? What’s going to happen to you if you wait?

I was just about to enter into their conversation with the words, ‘are you going to explode if you wait’? And then quickly stopped myself… no, not because they are perhaps not the best words to say to a 4 year old and may one day cause him to require therapy, but because as a headscarf-wearing woman, accompanied by a bearded husband… trust me on this… ‘explode’ is not a word that you would want to be saying in public!