by shaz on Thursday, January 28, 2010 at 09:25 PM
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life.
Quite randomly I was watching House a couple days ago. Now, the last time I watched House could have been something like 4 years ago. So, it was a strange coincidence that this episode happen to be about a woman who was not feeling emotions!
Anyway, they called her a psychopath. In my defense here, she was incapable of feeling emotions (because of some medical condition), while my mind/body/soul/little-elves-running-around-in-there decided to block all my emotions so that I wouldn’t feel anything. Ergo, I don’t think I was a psychopath, just a bit abnormal. Ahem.
At the end of the show, when she was “diagnosed” and healing, one of the doctors asked her how she felt, and she said “I don’t know, but it hurts!” That was a bit surreal for me because it’s exactly how I felt.
The thing about hurt, I realize, is that our minds seem to do everything it knows to block out feeling that particular emotion. I mean, no one likes hurt, but we don’t seem to react the same when it’s other dark emotions, like sadness, for example. In general, I think we can handle any emotion, good or bad, significantly better than we can handle hurt.
It seems that my defense against hurt is anger… I can deal with anger, it’s “my thing”… but sadly, no matter how much we try to hide from the hurt, or disguise the hurt, or how many years go by, it just does not magically go away. I learned that whatever we block out needs to be felt for us to be able to heal. That hurt has to be felt, no matter how excruciatingly painful it may be – we still need to feel it.
I think that I can now understand the saying “time heal all wounds”, I still don’t agree with it, but I understand it. Time is not necessarily healing – we have to first feel every single painful emotion, then actively work on finding some type of closure, and then eventually, after what may seem like an eternity, we feel better. Although, I don’t believe that hurt could ever go away, I mean, an appropriate trigger could probably bring back all the hurt, but you know, at least we’d know what to expect!
I don’t like to say that hurt makes us stronger, mainly because I had to be plenty strong to deal with the magnitude of everything I felt once I started feeling again, instead I believe it makes us better. I know that actually allowing myself to experience hurt made me better. Better in so many ways, especially being able to express love, I know that my kids are extremely appreciative of this difference, even if they are not able to articulate it. Mostly, now I finally feel like me again!
Are third children always spoilt? Or is it last children? I don’t know if it’s because the first 2 wear us out so much that we kinda give up, or that the older 2 are there to “baby” the baby as well as do his chores, or what, but man, is this guy ever spoilt!
After my 2nd child, pretty much everyone could have sworn that I was off pregnancies, or at least I know they hoped I was… But I believe that I really needed to have this kid, he certainly is my little guy!
by shaz on Sunday, January 17, 2010 at 09:56 PM
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blogging.
So. If I stopped blogging, would anyone notice? I’ve been giving some thought to ending this blog. I mean, it’s almost 4 years old, it’s helped me articulate a lot of my feelings, I’ve met many, many wonderful and amazing people because of it, but… What I’m trying to say is that it’s served me well, it’s been totally awesome, but I don’t have much to say anymore.
It’s not really that I think I’ll completely give up blogging – I am going to start another blog on being single again, but a bit anonymously – and I don’t think I want to get rid of adventures in motherhood because it’s very much a part of me, but I am pondering making it different. Thoughts?
In the meantime, I love this space on apartment therapy – not the decor choices, but I just LOVE the actual space, all white, bright, and a huge dining table. I adore really big dining tables, just something about having a lot of friends and family over for big meals… one of my favorite things for sure! Anyway, I would totally live there, just, you know, without some of the artwork and that rug!
by shaz on Monday, January 04, 2010 at 11:00 AM
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life.
So people, hope you have a great 2010!
I rang in the new year wrapped in a blanket at my mom’s house. I am not sure what exactly I have, but I am currently on antibiotics for it. At some point I know it was a sinus infection, and let me tell you, a Neti pot is wonderful! Seriously, like crack for people with sinus problems! Ahem, sid. So, anyway, back to the sinus infection, it was so bad that my forehead was swollen. Swollen forehead people! I am not certain I am feeling better, but at least the sinus headaches are gone.
Most interesting thing that happened to me this weekend was that, quite accidentally, I discovered that along with 7 other Canadian “mommy bloggers”, I was the subject of someone’s thesis. I was utterly fascinated.
I was in Miami for my sister’s wedding, no, not Sid, another sister… She was a gorgeous bride, and the wedding was beautiful. I thought it would be sad, because weddings now generally make me completely depressed, but it was just very happy and lovely.
And by the way, it’s about -20something degrees right now in Toronto, just in case anyone is interested!
