Love Thursday with the lovely Cakes
Love Thursday is back! Yay! And I have a really special guest post by one of my favorite blogging friends, Cakes, I am sure you regular readers know her well!! Please make her feel welcome!
After a lovely email conversation about our marriages, Shaz asked me if I would write a blog entry about my take on marriage. It feels weird being treated as almost an “expert.” Sometimes after talking to some other married couples, Chowder and I do frequently ask ourselves, “Are we just incredibly lucky or are we actually doing something really right?” And we don’t know. Here’s what we do know…We love each other beyond reason. We have sacrificed career climbing opportunities to keep our marriage and family at the forefront. We take very little seriously. We are in family therapy once a week. (Best $25 ever spent!) We make one another our priority. Does that mean we never fight or get resentful? no. We can take the world out on each other as much as the next guy, but we recognize it and we make things right.
What I am about to reflect upon in this essay assumes several things about a marriage. 1.) That their is no abuse (physical or emotional) and no control issues. 2.) That both parties want the marriage to succeed. 3.) That they love one another and want what is best for the other. Marriage is very complicated and each one is unique.
Every marriage has it’s own creation story. I love creation stories. I especially love marriage creation stories. The how you met, first impressions, introductions to families, song and dance of courtship, the proposal, the engagement, the wedding. I. love. them. I love the variety, the passion, the conflict, the goofiness, the vulnerability, the power of love, the commitment. I could listen to people’s marriage creation stories all day long. Because like any good creation story, a marriage creation clearly shows God’s love for us. The divine hand at work. They always have that feel of destiny.
But, just like the creation of the world, a marriage is not something that once created is done. You don’t go to bed after your wedding and think, “Good. We made a marriage!” and then set it up on a shelf with the other knick-knacks and works of art that are admired for their beauty and craftsmanship and only occasionally dusted and cherished because they are too fragile for everyday use. You know that vase that Aunt Petunia had? You know the one she fussed over and she’d yell at you and your cousins for being to rambunctious around? A marriage is not like that. Though I have seen many treated that way. Marriage is alive, and adaptable.
Marriage is more like a child. It has to be nurtured and prayed over. Dreamed with and disciplined. And though there are days you want to run from the crying baby, or jab hot pokers in your ears if your preschooler whines one. more. time. And though their are times when resentment grows and the exhaustion has about done you in, you know that that child. that marriage, holds the only key to bringing out your best, to filling you with more joy than you can almost bear.
So, where do we go wrong? And how can our creation story show us the way to get us back? The other powerful thing about a marriage creation story, is that it holds all of the strengths and weaknesses of us as individuals and as a couple. If I look back on Chowder and my creation story, I can see that both of us are in it for the long haul. We were friends for 11 years before we started dating. Chowder moved to Northern Ireland, I had a baby, Chowder went to seminary, but over and over we kept coming back to each other. Now, that we are finally together, we know we’re not going anywhere. This is a huge relief. We don’t ever have to worry about that. I don’t think that many couples have that confidence. That is our strength. I can also see throughout our creation, that Chowder and I can become extremely competitive. Most of the time we are able to channel that in fun ways. But when it’s bad? When we both slip into martyr roles? We get into misery competitions. Who is the least appreciated? the most persecuted? the most tired? the most frazzled? doing the most important work? Of course, nobody wins these competitions and sometimes they can go on for weeks if we’re not careful. That is our weakness. Once we have identified a weakness, we’ve found the best antidote is to use one of our strengths. And many times we have to “make-believe” we like each other, which ends up dropping us back into our real feelings of admiration. It really does work!
So, do yourself a favor. Go on a “Creation Story Date.” Go back to the place you first met, recreate your first kiss, have dinner where you had your rehearsal dinner, a cup of coffee in the hospital where you had your first child, rent your first date movie, whatever. I love when Chowder cooks these up for us! Go back to those feelings. Those people are still there. You haven’t really “lost” anything. You’ve maybe put it up on a shelf, but take it down, Baby! Dust it off. Use it. That’s why God created it for you in the first place. As a gift.
