Love Thursday & "how 'bout me?"

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My Chookooloonks Love Thursday post is in honor of my almost 4 year old’s second day of school, where I was called in at lunch time because he started crying and told his teacher that he had “germs that made his throat sore”. Poor kid! He is actually pretty sick with the flu.

And now, “how ‘bout me?”... says the 2 year old about 100 times a day! I think this is how the middle child syndrome starts to manifest itself… almost 4 year old getting dressed for school by daddy, newborn getting fed by mommy, 2 year old, hmmm, umm, who’s supposed to be taking care of him again…

And so, in honor of the “how ‘bout me?”, a photo of my little pumpkin (at about the same age as the ‘almost 4 year old’ in the photo above).

The first day of school.

Ok, first, I didn’t cry. Well, I sorta did get teary eyed, but just a little, and I was so surprised that I actually did not become a sobbing, incoherent mess.

At this moment I have a weird feeling… I feel somewhat like the parents of a groom right after the wedding… similar-ish…

This weekend was crazy trying to get all the school stuff, because yes, we did wait for the very last minute (how hard could it be?)... Hard! It was hard, mostly because we went so late that everything was pretty much gone, and we had to go to different malls to get everything.

So after the 3 days of shopping, this morning was a blur, we woke very early (and so did the kids), and I made him chocolate chip pancakes, because they are his favorite. He was very, very good, he ate his breakfast and his daddy got him dressed (I was feeding the baby).

When I saw him all dressed up, it was very emotional, he was so grown up, not so much my little baby boy anymore. I was sad, happy, scared, excited, worried, all at the same time, letting go is so very hard.

At school, he was very quiet, and looked very tense. He told me that he was not scared, but excited, and it was ok if we left.

So we did. We left. He was alone. I was scared. He was excited. The 2 year old was crying. Daddy was smiling. Baby was sucking his hat. Grandpa (yes, grandpa also accompanied us) was happy.

At home, it feels empty. Empty-ish. And we are sort of tired after all the preparations, all the emotions, all the anticipation, we did it, he’s there and we are here… and I guess its O.K.

Goodbye Summer.

To my boys,
Sorry that we did not take you to the places that we had planned. We did not got to African Lion Safari, to Canada’s Wonderland, to MarineLand, we did not even go to the zoo or have our annual family bbq picnic! Sorry, but what could we do? If you guys didn’t eat so much, or poop so much, or grow so much, then we would not have to spend all our money on frivolous items like food, or pampers, or clothes…

But, we did have A LOT of fun! It was probably better than going to those places anyways…

We did a lot of ‘free’ things… we went to the park a lot, uncle Justin invited us to swim in his pool, aunty Liza had that awesome slide, bapa got you that great sandbox that was even more fun once daddy finally put the sand in it, grandpa got you bicycles that you can ‘almost’ ride, and you guys did enjoy the mini bumper boats at Ontario Place.

5 months old

hey, do you know where we are?

Exploring

I’ll read to you.

It’s bright out here!

Ok, I am kinda tired now.

Don’t I look cute in my hat and everything?

Look at me! I’m on the big boy swing for the first time!

Push mine swing!

Fun at the park.

Mini Bumper Boats

Mini Bumper Boats

Love that slide!

Let’s play ball!

I’m playing! Don’t disturb me!

Cool, daddy finially put sand in the sanbox! A whole 2 weeks before school!!

We’re superheros. ta ta ta da…

Boat Shaped sandbox, without any sand.

Sleepy boys

Let’s take a drive in my car.

For Better or Worse.

I wish that I could go through one day without shouting at my kids. Shouting at them to stop fighting, to stop screaming, to stop climbing, to stop running. I wish.

I wish to be a stay at home mom for better or worse?

I love it that I can prepare and serve my kids all their meals, and I love it even more when they actually enjoy it. I adore the time just before their midday naps when I hug them and give them kisses and tell them little jokes that make them laugh and laugh. I enjoy listening to them talk to each other, they are really funny together, the 2 year old asking question after question, and the almost 4 year old trying to answer each one… until he eventually gets fed up!

But. Isn’t there always a but though.

But I am tired, I am exhausted, and I feel like I am struggling to be a real mom. I want to be the mom that reads bedtime stories, that teaches them about science and math, that encourages their creativity and imagination. And I think that I used to be that mom. Maybe it is just the added stress of having a baby added to the mix, but I wonder if I would be a better mom if I was not a stay at home mom. I wonder if spending time each day at work, away from my babies, would help be to appreciate the time with them more.

I feel like at the end of the day nothing is accomplished, yet I am tired. I am confused. Am I a failure? I look at them sleeping in their beds after a long day and wonder if I could have done things differently. I want them so much, I want to be with them, I want to have them, I want to love them. I want to teach them, I want them to love learning, I want them to see the beauty in the world, I want them to make a difference. But I question my ability as a mother.

Am I being the mom that I want my kids to remember when they have their own kids?

I don’t know for sure that I want them to remember a short-tempered, shouting, ball of nerves…

Some of us can be amazing stay at home moms, home-schooling moms even, and some of us can be awesome working moms, and I guess I still have to find the balance that works for me. But I know that for better or worse, I love being a mom.

Hate Fridays.

Do you think that if I follow up Love Thursdays with Hate Fridays it will negate my Love Thursday participation?

Ok, so hate is perhaps too strong of a word, but having a 2 year old screaming “mommy, mommy, mommy” DIRECTLY INTO your ear. while still sleeping because said 2 year old was screaming “mommy bed, nooooo, mommy bed” last night, and refused to go to sleep even after he was in mommy’s bed… can bring out some very strong feelings in a person.

And in spite of my sleepiness, I am blogging… because it is easier for me to hide behind my laptop screen than to look at the maniacs that are screaming and running in circles directly in front of my bed! And as the noise level in our room gets to a new high, I do feel guilty for not taking them downstairs so my partially sleeping husband, who worked through the night and only went to sleep at 4am, could get some un-disturbed sleep, but here I am… still typing!

Leaving my comfy bed and going downstairs means that my day has officially started… I don’t think I am ready… I wish that someone else can make breakfast, I wish someone else can talk to the kids, I wish someone else can listen to them, I kinda wish right now that someone else can be mommy… just for a little while, just while I sleep a little more….

Now to the baby, who thinks that the laptop belongs to him, and moving his hand off the keyboard causes a reaction in him similar to perhaps taking the TV remote control away from a man sitting in front of a TV.

And lastly, my husband, who is not even mad at me for not taking them downstairs… seriously… makes me feel even more guilty…

Now that I vented and am feeling better… I really do love being a mom, and appreciate everything I have, and here is my Hate Fridays photo to prove it…